| [Park City] |
| Crowds of people are everywhere |
| Film Festival Director: | Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded. |
| Phyllis: | Because, people from LA love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them excuse. |
| FF Director: | No this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it! Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, 25 dollar parking, Liam Neesom. I tell you Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again. |
| Phyllis: | That's not a bad idea, but where? |
| |
| [South Park] |
| A man raises a flag on the pole which says "South Park's 1st Annual Film Festival" |
| Man starts humming |
| All of a sudden crowds come in, cars drive in, South Park is filled |
| Man: | Whoa... |
| |
| [Classroom] |
| Mr.Garrison is talking with Mr.Twig in his hand |
| Mr.Garrison: | Ok children, I have some very exciting news for you. Why don't you tell them Mr.Twig? |
| Mr.Twig: | That's right Mr.Garrison. The first annual South Park film festival begins today. |
| Wendy: | Wow, cool! |
| Kyle: | They're not gonna show that stupid ass Godzilla movie are they? |
| Mr.Garrison: | No no no Kyle. These are independent films. |
| Stan: | Oh like Independence Day? That sucked ass too. |
| Cartman: | No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. It's about gay cowboys eating pudding. |
| Wendy: | No they're not. Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies without all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. |
| Cartman: | Puh, well you show me one independent film that ISN'T about gay cowboys eating pudding. |
| Wendy: | Once again you have no idea what you're talkin' about, fatass! |
| Cartman: | I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet, you skinny bitch! |
| Mr.Garrison: | Eric if you call Wendy bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office. |
| [Silence] |
| Cartman: | Bitch. |
| Mr.Garrison: | That's it Eric, you... |
| Cartman: | I'm going! |
| He leaves the classroom |
| Mr.Garrison: | Anyway children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it. |
| [Groans] |
| Mr.Garrison: | The first film showing is called "Witness to Denial". And is a sexual exploration piece about 2 women in love. |
| Stan: | Aww my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer. |
| |
| [In the streets] |
| Some director: | No no, I wanna shoot the script next month with Demi Moore test. |
| Another director: | Well you tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass. |
| Mayor: | Wow, look at this Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowds. It's almost like we're a real city. |
| Kids are seen walking through the crowds |
| Cartman: | Can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend. |
| Stan: | She's NOT my girlfriend. |
| Kenny: | Yeah, you really puke on her like that. |
| [Laughter] |
| Kyle: | Sick Kenny! |
| Stan: | Damn dude, look at all these people. |
| Some man: | I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theatre. |
| Kyle: | All this for a bunch of stupid movies? |
| |
| [Chef's Food Stand] |
| Chef: | Hello there children! |
| Kids: | Hey Chef! |
| Stan: | Whatcha doin'? |
| Chef: | Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint! |
| Cartman: | What kinda of cookies? |
| Kyle: | Calm down tubby. |
| Chef: | They're little cookies with fudge in the middle. And I call them "Fudge 'Ems." |
| Cartman: | I wanna fudge 'em! |
| Chef: | I can see the commercial now. Wife got you down? Boss making you angry? Kids yelling at ya? Well fudge em! |
| Kyle: | Cool! |
| Chef: | And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "fudge this." |
| |
| [From a far distance] |
| FF Director: | Oh look one of the natives is selling local foodwares. How quaint. |
| Phyllis: | This is why I come to these things. To get away from LA and become one with a more simple culture. |
| |
| [Back at Chef's Stand] |
| Chef: | Well perhaps you'd like to try my low calorie cookies, "Go fudge yourself." Or my all natural, "I don't really give a flying fudge." |
| Woman: | Ooh do you have any tofu or steamed celery? |
| Chef: | Huh? |
| Man: | I would kill for some cous-cous right now. |
| Chef: | Whose goose? |
| Woman: | Uhhh nevermind. We brought some food from the natural market in LA. |
| Man: | Cute sign though. |
| Wendy approaches |
| Wendy: | Stan I have two tickets for the opening film at the festival. Would you like to come with me? |
| Cartman: | [Mocking Wendy] Stan, memmememme, hehehehe... |
| Stan: | Shut up Cartman! Sure dude, I mean since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. |
| Stan and Wendy walk away |
| Cartman: | It'll be the death of him Kyle. Mark my words. It'll be the death of him. |
| Kyle: | If she holds his hand in that theatre it'll be all over. |
| Chef: | Get em while they're hot. My all new cookies! "I just went and fudged yo mama!" |
| Cartman: | Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground. |
| |
| [Movie Theatre] |
| Stan: | When does this thing start, I hope there's some good previews. |
| Wendy: | Stan, film festival movies don't usually have previews before them. |
| Stan: | They what???? |
| Movie begins |
| Woman in Movie#1: | Who are you to judge my womanly soul. The goddess flames that burn in my memory are dark. Dare you call them dark? Here lies the goddess truth of my body. |
| Stan: | Oh brother. |
| Woman in Movie#1: | The goddess that cries. Freedom! Here is the goddess truth of my womanly being. You are my blossom my flame, when we make love it's like the sun is right outside the door. |
| Woman in Movie#2: | Then make love to me. Right now! Aww...uuhhh |
| Stan: | Dude! |
| Wendy: | Shhh! |
| Stan: | Dude! |
| |
| [Kyle's bathroom] |
| Kyle is sitting on the toilet |
| Kyle: | [Singing] I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way.... |
| Sheila: | [Outside bathroom] Bubbly! You need to get to bed it's late! |
| Kyle: | I'm poopies ma! |
| Sheila: | Hurry up! |
| Kyle: | [Continues to sing] Going dark hand.... |
| Mr. Hankey's voice is heard saying "Howww..." |
| Mr. Hankey: | Hoowwwwww.... |
| Kyle: | Could it be? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Hooowdy ho! |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey is that you? Hello? |
| |
| [South Park Streets] |
| Newsman: | I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens of Los Angeles, are arriving in jobs for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community, where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens.... Except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town. And so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities. |
| Kyle: | It was him dude. I tell you it was Mr. Hankey. |
| Cartman: | Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmas time. |
| Kyle: | Well I'm sure it was him. |
| Man in Crowd: | Look here comes somebody! |
| Newsman: | Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage! |
| Crowd: | Aww.... |
| Fred looks pissed |
| Newsman: | Well I'm sure a real person will show up soon. |
| Kyle: | So how was that movie last night dude? |
| Stan: | Aww dude you don't even wanna know. |
| Cartman: | It was about a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding huh? |
| Stan: | Yeah...pretty much. |
| Cartman: | Yes! |
| Stan: | The theatre sucks though, they need to get a bigger screen. |
| Kyle: | They should project the movies on Cartman's ass. |
| [Laughter] |
| Cartman: | Ay! |
| Stan: | Yeah, but that'd be like I-Max. |
| [Laughter] |
| Cartman: | Ok ok. That's enough fatass jokes for this week. |
| Kenny: | Cartman's ass is so fucking fat that sometimes it takes up the entire projecting room. |
| [Laughter] |
| Cartman: | Ok that does it. Screw you guys I'm going home. |
| Kyle: | Well? |
| Cartman: | I'm gonna just give me a minute. |
| |
| [Elsewhere in the crowd] |
| FF Director: | This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left. Not the mess we turned Park City into. |
| Phyllis: | Forgive me for being observant but won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town? |
| FF Director: | Yes, and the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this festival from town to town, until we have used it up. And then move on until every quite mountain town is like Los Angeles. |
| Phyllis: | Why? Why would we do such a thing? |
| FF Director: | Because we have to live in LA. And if we can't live in quite simple peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will! Ahahahahaaa! Wait wait wait, zoom into a close up of my face when I do that. |
| Camera zooms in on him |
| FF Director: | Ready? Then nobody will! Hahahahahah! That's it. |
| |
| [Chef's Food Stand] |
| Chef: | Children, glad you're here. I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're gonna sell right through the roof. I call them "Chef's salty chocolate balls." |
| Stan: | Are they good? |
| Chef: | Try em. |
| Kids taste them |
| Stan: | Hey these are good! |
| Cartman: | Yeah, I love your salty chocolate balls Chef! |
| Kenny giggles |
| Mr. Hankey is heard moaning hoowwww again |
| Kyle: | There it is again. |
| Stan: | There is what again? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howwwww... |
| Kyle: | It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble. |
| Stan: | Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble? |
| Kyle: | Where does that grill go? |
| Stan: | To the sewer dude. |
| Kyle: | Of course! The sewer! That must be where he is! Come on! |
| Chef: | [Starts singing]Hey everybody have you seen my balls, they're big and salty and round. If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth. Ooh...suck on my chocolate salty balls...put em in your mouth...put em in your mouth and suck em and suck em |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [In the sewer] |
| Kids are walking through the water with flashlights |
| Cartman: | Oh man it smells like ass down here. |
| Kyle: | Of course it smells like ass retard! It's a sewer! |
| Stan: | What was that? |
| They shine a flashlight on a rat |
| Cartman: | Oh man let's get outta here. |
| Kyle: | We can't dude, not until we find Mr. Hankey. |
| A shadow comes out of the water, revealing Mr.Garrison in diving gear |
| Kids: | Ahhhh! |
| Kyle: | What the hell? |
| Stan: | Mr.Garrison? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Oh uh...hello children. |
| Cartman: | What are you doing in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on? |
| Mr.Garrison: | I I was just uh...hangin' out... |
| Kyle: | In a sewer? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Children do you know how to file a police report? |
| Kids: | No. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Good. See you in school. |
| He dives and disappears into the water. |
| Cartman: | This is ridiculous. What the hell are we, the Goonies? |
| Kyle: | Yeah, we're the Goonies Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid. |
| Cartman: | Ok that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home. |
| Mr. Hankey appears floating in a box |
| Mr. Hankey: | Hoowdy ho! |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey! |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howdy ho boys! |
| Kyle: | I told you guys he'd be here. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Gosh look at ya. You're all growing up so fast. |
| Cartman: | Hi Mr. Hankey, nice to see ya. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Have you all been brushing behind your teeth? |
| Kids: | Yes. |
| Mr. Hankey: | And using dental floss? |
| Kids: | Yes. |
| Mr. Hankey: | And washing behind your ears? |
| All but Cartman: | Yes. |
| Cartman: | No. |
| Mr. Hankey coughs |
| Kyle: | What's the matter Mr. Hankey? Are you sick? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Oh I just got a little cold, that's all. All these new people in South Park are stressfulin my home. |
| Kyle: | What do you mean? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Well you see boys, the sewer's a fragile ecosystem. |
| Cartman: | Oh my god. |
| Mr. Hankey: | These new folks in town eat nothing but cous-cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment. |
| Kyle: | And that's why you gotta cold? |
| Mr. Hankey: | That's why Kyle. That's why. |
| Stan: | Why don't you just ask them to leave? |
| Mr. Hankey: | There's only 1 time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmas time. That's why I need you boys to go for me. |
| He coughs again |
| Kyle: | Don't worry Mr. Hankey. We'll tell everyone, come on guys! |
| Mr. Hankey: | Don't forget to change your sheets once a week! |
| |
| [Movie Theatre] |
| Usher: | So without further adieu, we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears. |
| The scamps approach |
| Kyle: | Wait stop! Could I have your attention please! |
| Man in Audience: | Is that Leonardo DeCaprio? |
| Everyone starts taking pictures of Kyle |
| Man in Audience: | Oh wait, that's not him. |
| Audience: | Awww� |
| Kyle: | Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Mr. Hankey is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health foods. |
| Woman in Audience: | Excuse me little boy, what's a Mr. Hankey? |
| Kyle: | He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his ecosystem is all out of wack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die. |
| Man in Audience: | What a great story! It has everything! |
| Woman in Audience: | This could be the next Free Willy! |
| Another man: | Great pick son, how much do you want for it? |
| Kyle: | Huh? |
| Man #3: | Does it have to be a talking piece of poo. |
| Man #4: | It could be a crime fighting rabbit, or a lovable turtle. |
| Man #5: | This could be a great summer movie. |
| Woman #2: | Can we put a monkey in it? |
| Man #6: | The Mr. Hankey story, is there a fort available for a fall pick? |
| Man #7: | Keanu Reeves. |
| Man #8: | Matt Damon! |
| Fred: | Fred Savage! |
| [Everyone laughs] |
| Fred looks pissed yet again |
| Man #3: | I'd pay a million for this story. |
| Man #4: | I'd pay 2! |
| Kyle: | Dude, no one even listened to me. |
| Stan: | Well, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie. |
| Marty: | [to Cartman] I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story right? |
| Cartman: | Huh? Yeah I guess. |
| Marty: | I want you to do a big money deal with me. |
| Cartman: | All of us? |
| Marty: | Well, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys do you? |
| Cartman: | Yeah screw those guys, I don't even like them. |
| Marty: | That's great kid. Let's make a deal. |
| |
| [On a Podium] |
| FF Director: | Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the first annual South Park film festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival. |
| [Crowd Cheers] |
| FF Director: | And I am very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant. Right here where this library used to stand. |
| All of a sudden a demolition ball comes and breaks down the library |
| [Crowd gasps] |
| Johnson: | Can they do that? |
| Mayor: | They're Hollywood, they can do anything. |
| |
| [Down in the sewer] |
| An organ is heard playing |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey? |
| Mr. Hankey is seen playing the pipe organ |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey? |
| Kyle gasps |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Oh Kyle! Howdy ho-ho ho... |
| He coughs |
| Mr. Hankey: | Well? How did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment? |
| Kyle: | They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Oh, I, I see. Well shucks Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'. |
| He continues to play the pipe organ |
| Kyle: | We only have 1 option. I'm gonna take you to the surface. |
| Mr. Hankey: | I can't, the sun will dry me out. |
| Kyle: | It's the only way to prove that you're real. |
| Mr. Hankey: | But I won't last long up above. |
| Kyle: | Well you're not gonna last down here either Mr. Hankey, now come on. I'm not gonna let you die. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Alright, just let me get my toothbrush. |
| |
| [Outside the theatre] |
| Wendy: | Come on Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening! |
| Shot of theatre board saying "Me and Mr. Hankey" |
| Stan: | Jeez, they made that into a movie already? |
| |
| [Inside theatre] |
| Movie's playing |
| Tom Hanks: | Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I'd lost the fight. |
| Mr. Hankey is actually a talking monkey |
| Monkey: | No, I'm not leaving without you. We started this together, and we're gonna finish it together. |
| Tom: | I always thought death was something glorious, but I know that it's not. |
| Mr. Hankey: | It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you. |
| Cartman: | Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack. |
| Tom: | I'll always love you Mr. Hankey. |
| Cartman: | [Mimicking Tom] Me me me me meh, me me meh meh. |
| |
| [Outside the theater] |
| Kenny's playing with a yo-yo |
| All of a sudden, everyone rushes out of the theatre in a stampede, and kills him |
| Man #1: | Oh my god! I found a penny! |
| Man #2: | You bastard! |
| |
| [Near a manhole] |
| Kyle comes out of the sewer |
| Kyle: | Ok Mr. Hankey we're out. How are you doin'? |
| Mr. Hankey: | It sure is dry up here. |
| [Cough] |
| Kyle: | Don't worry. We'll do this quick ok. Just hang on Mr. Hankey, just hang on. |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [At the Hollywood Planet Construction site] |
| Mayor: | Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you? |
| FF Director: | Make it quick. |
| Mayor: | Well the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town. |
| FF Director: | Uh huh. |
| Mayor: | Right, so we were actually wondering, if we can call this whole thing off. |
| FF Director: | We have contracts. You try to pull out now, we'll sue your town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work. |
| |
| [Elsewhere] |
| Cartman: | But, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty. You told me the movie made a lot of money. |
| Marty: | Right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee with publicity and taxes taken out, you get 3 dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me. |
| Stan: | Serves you right Cartman, you're a sellout. |
| Cartman: | I'm not a sellout!!! What's a sellout? |
| Stan: | If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout. |
| Chef: | It's all goin' to hell children. And we're all to blame. Even me! I was selling out my town too. And now look at it. |
| Stan: | So what do we do now? |
| Chef: | There's nothing we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls. |
| Kyle approaches |
| Kyle: | You guys we have to hurry. |
| Stan: | What? |
| Kyle: | Come on, everything's gonna be ok! Sir, sir! |
| FF director: | Not now. |
| Kyle: | I think it'll change the way you feel about your impact here. |
| FF Director: | What's this? |
| Kyle: | I want you guys to all meet my friend. |
| He shakes the box, and drops Mr. Hankey out of it, who's all dried up and white |
| [Gasp] |
| FF Director: | That's great kid, a dried up lump of shit. Very compelling. Ok folks let's move. We gotta have that sign done before the opening tonight. |
| Kyle: | You can't die Mr. Hankey, you can't! |
| Mr. Hankey's barely talking |
| Mr. Hankey: | [Cough] Kyle, before I go, I must tell you. Come closer. Closer. |
| Kyle: | Well, what is it Mr. Hankey? |
| Mr. Hankey: | There is another Skywalker. Eh.... |
| Kyle: | Noooo!!! |
| Mr. Hankey: | Wait Kyle.... |
| Kyle: | What is it Mr. Hankey? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Come closer... |
| Kyle: | What is it? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Closer... |
| Kyle: | Yes? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Closer! One time, when you were sleepin', I put myself in your mouth, and had my friend take a picture. Eh.... |
| Kyle: | Noooo!!!! |
| A song starts playing and it shows old images of Mr. Hankey |
| Singer: | Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo...he loved me, I loved you. Therefore vicariously he loved you... |
| Kyle: | Nooo!!!! |
| Hospital Man: | I'm sorry son. Let's get him to ICU. |
| Kyle: | Nooo! No! |
| Stan: | You gonna be ok dude? I'm here for you. |
| Stan holds Kyle |
| Wendy approaches |
| Wendy: | Hi Stan, ready to go see another movie? |
| Stan: | Ok! |
| He drops Kyle and runs off with Wendy |
| Kyle: | Ugh! |
| |
| [Inside theatre] |
| Stan and Wendy are watching a movie about gay cowboys eating pudding |
| Cowboy #1: | Say Tom, doya have any pudding left? |
| Stan tries to grab Wendy's hand |
| Cowboy #2: | I ate all mine up silly. |
| Cowboy #1: | Well now what do we do? |
| Stan tries again, but Wendy notices, and holds his hand, and then Stan pukes on a man sitting in front of them |
| Wendy: | Ew! |
| Man: | Hey! |
| Stan: | Sorry. |
| Cowboy #2: | Why don't we explore our sexuality? |
| Cowboy #1: | Oh good idea. Let's.... |
| The cowboys are seen giving each other hummers. |
| Stan: | Aww dude I shouldn't be seeing this! |
| He pukes on the man again |
| Man: | Is there a problem young man? |
| Stan: | No problem dude. |
| |
| [Hells Pass Hospital] |
| Chef and Kyle are in Mr. Hankey's room |
| Kyle: | I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan. |
| Chef: | Come on Kyle. It's time to go. |
| Kyle: | Chef, does poo go to heaven? |
| Chef: | Well.... I...I kinda hope not. |
| Kyle starts crying |
| Chef: | I mean, sure it does. Here, I'll give him one of my salty balls to take with him to poo heaven. |
| Chef puts a ball in Mr. Hankey's mouth |
| Chef: | Come on, let's go. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howw...... |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey? |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howdy ho.... |
| Kyle: | He's back, he's back! |
| Mr. Hankey: | That was delicious! |
| Chef: | My salty chocolate balls must've rejuvenated him! |
| Kyle: | You got the best balls in the whole world Chef! |
| Chef: | You damn right. |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [T-shirt Stand] |
| Cartman: | Come on out and get them here! Mr. Hankey and me T-shirts! Get them while they last folks! They're only $14.95! |
| Woman: | I'll take two! |
| Cartman: | Selling T-shirts kicks ass. |
| |
| [Podium] |
| FF Director: | Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this gala opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year. And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain! |
| Curtain is released and crowd gasps in fear |
| FF Director: | I give you, Hollywood in South Park! Hahahah! |
| Kyle: | Wait! I brought him! I brought him to show you! |
| FF Director: | Aww not this again. |
| Kyle: | Behold, Mr. Hankey! |
| Mr. Hankey: | Hooooowdy Ho! |
| Everyone looks at him, and turns around again |
| FF Director: | Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place... |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howdy ho folks, I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival. |
| Man in Pink Glasses: | Mr. Poo if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now; we need you at about 3 ok? |
| Mr. Hankey flies over to the podium and starts talking through the mic |
| Mr. Hankey: | Uh folks please. Little towns like this simply aren't meant for big advance. We love having visitors, but golly, too many of you, is hurtin' our ecosystem. Besides folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin', or what film is gonna get shown. It should be about people gettin' together, and watching movies, and about people who can never get their movies seen get a chance to have it watched. If only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say "Oh let's forget about lawyers, and exits, and studios, and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art." |
| FF Director: | I...have had enough...of YOU! |
| He grabs Mr. Hankey and throws him against a wall |
| FF Director: | Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of films.... |
| |
| [Near the wall] |
| Kyle: | [Crying] Oh ohoh! He's dead! Mr. Hankey's dead! |
| Chef: | Well this worked once before. |
| Chef puts a bunch of his balls in Mr. Hankey's mouth. |
| Mr. Hankey: | Thanks Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick. |
| Mr. Hankey regains his strength, puts on a pointy blue hat, and a red cape resembling Mickey Mouse from Fantasia |
| Stan: | What the hell is he doing? |
| Kyle: | I don't know! |
| Mr. Hankey magically gets all the water to come out of the sewer and flood the town |
| Cartman: | Whoa! |
| Man: | Oh my god! |
| All the Hollywood people start running away from the crap flood |
| Another man: | It smells it smells!!! |
| |
| [FF Director's Car] |
| Phyllis: | AHH! Hurry up it's coming! |
| FF Director: | I'm trying damn it! |
| But the flood kills them by flooding their car |
| |
| [Streets] |
| Man: | Let's get out of this town! |
| Cars are seen driving away |
| Mr. Hankey: | Whew. |
| Shot of everything covered in brown liquid |
| Mr. Hankey: | Golly, I guess I don't know my own strength. |
| Kyle: | You did it Mr. Hankey! You got rid of all the film people! |
| Crowd: | Hooray! |
| Mayor: | Oh yeah, now all we have is a town covered in shit. This is much better. |
| Mr. Hankey: | I couldn't have done it without you Kyle. Kisses! |
| He kisses Kyle and leaves a brown stain |
| |
| [Nearby] |
| Wendy: | Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films. |
| Stan: | Well that's ok Wendy. I forgive you. |
| Wendy: | Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass. |
| Cartman: | Yes, and I've learned something too. Being a sell out is sweet, cause you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home. |
| |
| [fin] |
