| [Classroom] |
| Mr.Garrison: | Ok children I know that today is the last day of school and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! Now what've you done with Mr. Hat?? |
| [Silence] |
| Mr.Garrison: | Children, I want Mr. Hat back right now, the prank is over! |
| [Silence] |
| Mr.Garrison: | You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat don't you? You think I can't live without him. Well I can. He's just a puppet. I don't need him. See? Watch. |
| [Time passes by] |
| Mr.Garrison: | GOD DAMN IT, WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT MR.HAT!!?!?! |
| [Bell rings] |
| Kids: | Yay!!! |
| Mr.Garrison: | Oh no you don't. The school year's over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards, until Mr. Hat is back on my desk. |
| Kids: | Awww!! |
| Mr.Garrison: | Now I'm gonna turn around. And when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here. Ok, I'm gonna turn around now. |
| He turns around, and all the kids are gone except Pip |
| Mr.Garrison: | Shit! |
| Pip: | Where did everybody go? |
| |
| [Outiside] |
| Kids run out screaming hooray |
| Snow starts melting |
| A kid is found by his parents after a pile of snow melts. |
| Kid's Mom: | Oh golly! Kevin honey! |
| Kid's Dad: | Good to see you again, son. |
| A man comes out of his house |
| Man: | Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready. |
| Man starts chopping down trees |
| |
| [Outside the school] |
| Pip: | Oh happy summer gentlemen. |
| Stan: | Shut up Pip. |
| Pip: | Right-o. Enjoy summer this summer for me, would you? |
| Kyle: | What do you mean? |
| Pip: | Well I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see my parents are dead. |
| Cartman: | Your parents are dead? Goddamn you suck Pip. |
| Boys laugh |
| The kids start walking and they see a sign that says "Stu's Fireworks" |
| Stan: | Oh yeah it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks. |
| Kyle: | I've picked up enough money to buy M-80s this year. |
| Stan: | I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt. |
| Kyle: | Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat. |
| Cartman: | Ay! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants! |
| Stan: | Jeez Cartman! |
| Cartman: | Well I'm just saying you know don't make my Kitty, you know. |
| |
| [Stu's Fireworks booth] |
| Kids approach |
| Stu: | Hi fellas. |
| Kids: | Hi Stu. |
| Stu: | What can I do for you? |
| Kyle: | We wanna buy M-80s. |
| Stan: | The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass. |
| Cartman: | Ok that's it. |
| Kenny laughs |
| Cartman: | Screw you guys! I'm going home. |
| Kyle: | What a baby. |
| Stan: | So we'll have 10 M-80s please. |
| Stu: | I'm sorry fellas, haven't you heard? |
| Stan: | Heard what? |
| Stu: | All fireworks have been banned in Colorado. |
| Kyle: | What do you mean? |
| Stan: | It was in the paper this morning. |
| Shot of paper, and a picture of a kid with missing arms |
| Kyle: | Dude just cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s? |
| Stu: | Right. |
| Stan: | How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore? |
| Kyle: | Yeah! We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives! |
| |
| [Flashback to the kids as toddlers] |
| Little Stan is shown releasing a firecracker |
| Little Kenny doesn't release his, and it blows him up and kills him |
| Stan: | [in baby talk] Udas kill Kenny. |
| Kyle: | [in baby talk] U bastards. |
| [Flashback over] |
| |
| [Stu's Fireworks booth] |
| Stan: | A summer without fireworks is like...I don't know, but it's like...it sucks ass. |
| Kyle: | Yeah now what are we supposed to do? |
| Stu: | I can still sell snakes. |
| He lights up a black disk and a black ash snake comes out. |
| Kids groan |
| |
| [Mayor's office] |
| Mayor: | [on the phone] This is absurd. We need fireworks for our 4th of July celebration at the lake. I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off. We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on I've got another call. |
| She clicks button |
| Mayor: | Hello? No I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jeez Garrison, I've got bigger problems! |
| Clicks back to the other caller |
| Mayor: | Hello yes. Now what am I supposed to do about our 4th of July show at the lake? No I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor...I know that smartass, I was being ironic. |
| She hangs up |
| Officer Barbrady pops up. |
| Barbrady: | I'm sorry Mayor but I couldn't find the little man in the boat. |
| Mayor: | Well keep looking. This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Who ever heard of a 4th of July picnic with snakes? |
| Barbrady: | [from underneath her desk] Oh I like snakes. You light em and they grow and grow. |
| Mayor: | Wait a minute. That's it! I've got it! This 4th of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it! I'll be on the front pa....ooooh! |
| Barbrady: | I found him. |
| |
| [Outside] |
| Stan: | Man it's hot out here. |
| Cartman: | What do you guys wanna do, we have the whole summer to play. |
| Kyle: | Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks. |
| Stan: | I know, let's go sledding. |
| Kyle: | Yeah! |
| |
| [On top of a hill] |
| Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on the sled, but Cartman is standing confused |
| Stan: | Come on Cartman get on. |
| Cartman: | Stan... |
| Kyle: | Let's go dude, we're ready. |
| Stan: | What the hell you waiting for Cartman? |
| Cartman: | Guys, don't you notice anything wrong with this picture? |
| Kyle: | Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled. |
| Cartman groans and sits on the end of the sled |
| Cartman: | Whatever. |
| They attempt to move the sled, but it moves a little |
| Stan: | What the hell's going on? |
| Jimbo and Ned drive up in the truck |
| Jimbo: | Hey there boys! |
| Stan: | Hey uncle Jimbo. |
| Jimbo: | How come you're not blowing things up? It's summer! |
| Kyle: | Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks, because a little boy blew off his hands. |
| Jimbo: | What?!? |
| Stan: | Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year. |
| Jimbo: | Oh my god! Well don't worry boys. Uncle Jimbo is on the case. |
| He drives away |
| |
| [In Jimbo's truck] |
| Jimbo: | Buckle your seat belt Ned. |
| Ned: | Mmmwhere are we going? |
| Jimbo: | Mexico my amigo. |
| Ned: | Why are we going to Mexico? |
| Jimbo: | To buy fireworks. Just cause some kid blew off his hands, doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer now does it? |
| Ned: | Are fireworks legal in Mexico? |
| Jimbo: | Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way. |
| |
| [Mayor's office] |
| A representative of the fireworks company is starting to describe what his company has to offer |
| Representative: | At the dynamite firework company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while... |
| Mayor: | Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake! |
| Rep turns about 3 pages |
| Rep: | Ok. Now the disk that we're making is approximately 5000 times bigger than the average snake. |
| Mayor: | Ooh! |
| Rep: | We'll have to fly it in with 3 comanche helicopters, and lower it on to the ground at the lake. |
| Mayor starts taking notes |
| Rep: | Then we'll need 57 flame throwers all set up around the perimeter of the disk, all triggered to fire at the same time. |
| Mayor: | [talking to herself] Flamethrowers triggered at the same time |
| She writes all this down |
| Rep: | Once lit, the snake will...grow. And good times will be had by all. |
| He flips a page and shows a picture of a man with a hat in his hand looking all happy |
| Assistants: | Wonderful, spectacular! |
| Mayor: | Well you see fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute, we're gonna need an orchestra to play the starts and stripes. |
| Assistant: | Hey how about the elementary school orchestra. They did a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert. |
| Mayor: | Yes get the school principal on the phone. And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Raymus. |
| Assistant: | Uh Mayor I think you mean Uncle Sam. |
| Mayor: | Oh course I do you fucking asshole! |
| |
| [Outside] |
| Kids are making a snowman out of dirt |
| Kyle: | [singing] Dusty the dirtball! |
| Stan: | Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer. |
| Kyle: | Hey look it's Mr.Garrison. |
| Mr.Garrison approaches looking all haggard |
| Mr.Garrison: | Hello children. How is your summer going? |
| Stan: | Summer sucks ass Mr.Garrison. |
| Kyle: | Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Oh, oh that old thing? Why I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat. |
| Stan: | That's good. |
| [Silence] |
| Mr.Garrison: | Mr. Hat is just a puppet. |
| Kyle: | Yep. |
| [Silence] |
| Mr.Garrison: | Mr. Hat isn't real. |
| Stan: | Right. |
| Mr.Garrison walks away |
| Cartman: | Hey guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool, you wanna come? |
| Kenny, Kyle, and Stan laugh |
| Stan: | Swimming lessons dude? That is the lamest thing I've ever heard. |
| Cartman: | It is not. |
| Stan: | Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool. |
| Kyle: | Yeah Cartman, you're swimming around in 1st grader pee! |
| Cartman: | I'm not swimming around in pee! |
| Stan: | Whatever dude. |
| Cartman: | My mom says if I take swimming lessons, I can be in the Olympics some day. |
| Kyle: | Yeah, the fat ass Olympics. |
| Cartman: | I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap, from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys, I'm going home. |
| Stan: | But Cartman we're trying to.... |
| Cartman: | Screw you guys...home. |
| He walks away |
| Stan: | What does he mean, "living in denial"? |
| Kyle: | Dude it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb ass like always. |
| Stan puts a carrot on the dirt snowman |
| Stan: | There how does that look? |
| Kyle: | Like a big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it. |
| Stan: | Ah crap. |
| |
| [Community Pool] |
| Lifeguard: | Ok kids everyone in the pool. |
| All kids get in except Cartman |
| Lifeguard: | Come on Eric. We're gonna start now. |
| Cartman: | Na-uh. |
| Lifeguard: | Just jump in! |
| Cartman: | I don't wanna. |
| Lifeguard: | It's not gonna hurt you hon. Just do it! |
| Cartman closes his nose and jumps in |
| Lifeguard: | There you go! Now just let the 1st graders swim by you and then head towards us. |
| Cartman: | Huh? First graders! |
| 3 first graders swim by, stop in front of Cartman, and then 3 yellow circles are seen in front of them |
| Cartman: | Awww weak! Weak! Aww you sons of bitches! |
| He swims away |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [Outside near the lake] |
| Workers are building the stands, while Mayor is standing panicking |
| Mayor: | Where the #$%# is our fireworks. We only have 24 hours! |
| Assistant: | I'm sure it'll be here any second. |
| Mayor: | Shut up! |
| Assistant: | Copy that. |
| |
| [On the band stand near by] |
| Kids are sitting with their instruments |
| Band Director: | Ok children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman? |
| Stan: | He's taking swimming lessons. |
| Band Director: | Oh dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our french horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And.... |
| The kids start playing this awful sounding music |
| Band Director: | Oh ok, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart Symphony #5. |
| The kids start playing a VERY distorted version of Symphony #5 |
| |
| [Back near the workers] |
| Mayor: | Oh we're doomed. Our 4th of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing...wait a minute...it's the snake! |
| A giant black disk is seen being lowered on to the ground |
| Barbrady: | Let's move along people, if you see one giant snake thingy firework, you're seen 'em all. |
| Mayor: | Call everybody, the show's back on! Come one we've only go 1 day to prepare! |
| |
| [Mexico] |
| Jimbo: | Buenas dias mi amigo. Yo soy uno Americano spectacularr! |
| Mexican Guy: | Que? [What?] |
| Jimbo: | Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularr! |
| Mexican Guy: | Necesito que usted grande? |
| Ned: | No, moleste el gato spectacular. |
| The Mexican guy takes out a box with 2 firecrackers in it |
| Jimbo: | Would you look at that Ned. Now that's a Tijuana bottle rocket. These babies have the power to blast a firehole right through the ozone. |
| Ned: | They're spectacular. |
| Jimbo: | It's our job to get these to children all over America for the 4th of July. We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning. |
| Ned: | Bueno. |
| |
| [Mr.Garrison's house] |
| Phone rings |
| Mr.Mackey: | [on phone] Hello is Mr. Hat there? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Is this some kind of joke? |
| Mr.Mackey: | Huh-huh yes! |
| Mr.Garrison: | You go to hell, you go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are! |
| Mr.Mackey: | Uh, I don't think you can, mmkay. |
| Mr.Garrison hangs up. |
| Mr.Garrison: | God damn it! |
| He turns the TV on, and Lamb Chop appears. |
| Lady: | Oh Lamb Chop. What would you like to do today? |
| Lamb Chop: | Well I'd like to sing you a song. |
| Lady: | Hey let's sing one together. |
| Lamb Chop: | [singing] As long as we're together we can do anything, we can take on the whole darn world. We're happy as pie. Through thick and thin, we've always been together. |
| Mr.Garrison imagines that he appears on the show, he takes Lamb Chop and throws it on a grill. Lamb Chop is burning while the lady is screaming |
| Lady: | No lamb chop no! |
| Lamb Chop: | Judy help me! It burns, it burns! |
| Mr.Garrison is seen all smiling to himself after his imagination is over |
| |
| [Community Pool] |
| Lifeguard: | Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later. |
| Cartman: | Later's fine. |
| Lifeguard: | Just do your sidestroke. |
| Cartman: | I only know how to do it doggy style. |
| Lifeguard: | That's doggie paddle Eric. Now come over here. |
| Cartman: | Can I do it doggy style? |
| Lifeguard: | Ok. |
| Cartman starts swimming |
| Lifeguard: | That's it, that's it you can do it! |
| A bunch of 1st graders swim by and pee near him |
| Cartman: | Oh damn it! Ah not again! |
| Lifeguard: | Come on Eric! |
| Cartman: | No way! These sons of bitches! I'm going home. |
| |
| [News TV] |
| Newscaster: | Well 4th of July is finally here, and with the statewide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal looking guy with a funny name. |
| The guy with the funny name is Creamy Goodness |
| Creamy: | Thanks Tom, looks like the firework bad won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake, in human history. Now as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and 20 stories high. I'm told that this even won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. |
| It goes quickly from daylight to nighttime |
| Creamy: | Alrighty then. Looks like we're ready. |
| |
| [Band Stand] |
| Kids are all dressed up ready to play |
| Stan: | How are your swimming lessons going Cartman? |
| Cartman: | Fine. |
| Kyle: | I heard you won't even get in the deep end. |
| Cartman: | Well you heard wrong hippie! |
| |
| [On the podium] |
| Mayor is talking through mic. |
| Mayor: | Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado, it's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a Happy 4th of July! Let's start with our school band playing the Stars and Stripes. |
| |
| [Band Stand] |
| Band Director: | This is it. And a one, and a two, and a... |
| Kids start playing an AWFUL version of Stars and Stripes |
| |
| [Podium] |
| Mayor: | What the fuck is that? |
| Assistant: | I think it's the Stars and Stripes. |
| Mayor: | Oh hell, light the snake. |
| |
| A bunch of people near the black disk shoot fire at it and it begins to rise |
| Crowd: | Oooh! Aaaahhh! |
| |
| [In Jimbo's Truck in Mexico] |
| Jimbo: | Alright Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking. |
| [Silence] |
| Jimbo: | Ha-ha-ha. I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it? Hahaha. |
| They arrive at the border |
| A guard is there |
| Guard: | Good evening gentlemen. |
| Jimbo: | Hello there fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland. |
| Guard: | Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions. |
| Jimbo: | Fire away, we have nothing to hide. |
| Guard: | Is anyone other than the 2 of you traveling in this vehicle? |
| Jimbo: | No sir. |
| Guard: | Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car? |
| Jimbo: | Yeah.... I mean no. |
| Guard: | Open your trunk please sir. |
| Jimbo: | Damn, damn! I always get that question wrong! |
| |
| [Back in South Park at Stark's Pond] |
| The band continues to play the awful music |
| Mayor: | My god it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I managed to overcome adversity. Say uh Charlie, when does that thing die out? |
| Charlie: | Die out? |
| Mayor: | Yes you know, expire, end. Hello?!? I'm asking you when it stops! |
| Charlie: | Uh. I'm not sure, I never made one this big. I guess we didn't quite think this through did we. |
| Mayor: | WHAT!?!?! |
| |
| [Band Stand] |
| Kyle: | Dude, that thing is huge! |
| Stan: | Yeah, maybe they should shut it off. |
| Cartman: | Ay, you guys are screwing up the song. |
| |
| Crowd starts to worry |
| Man #1: | Stop it! |
| Man#2: | It's out of control! |
| Crowd: | AHHHH!!! |
| The snake falls on the bleachers, and then on the bandstand. All kids escape except Kenny |
| Kyle: | Kenny watch out! |
| Kenny gets hit, but come out alive |
| Kenny: | Hey guys, I dodged the thing, and it missed me...ah! |
| The bleachers crush him |
| Stan: | Oh my god! They killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: | You...bastards! |
| |
| Mayor: | Oh my god. You tell me how much longer this thing is gonna last! |
| Charlie: | uh let's see. A normal snake lasts 3 sec, mmmmmm.... |
| He starts calculating to himself |
| Mayor: | So when does it run out??? |
| Charlie: | November....of next year. |
| Mayor: | Oh hell! |
| Crowd screams |
| The kids start playing the music correctly |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [News] |
| Creamy: | Coming up for 9 hours, and the giant snake shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything, from firehoses, to yelling at it to make the snake stop. But nothing seems to work. |
| Newscaster: | Thanks Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ash and air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future. |
| |
| [Streets of South Park] |
| The snake is going through buildings breaking everything in its path. People are running around screaming. |
| Stan: | Man this sucks. |
| Kyle: | What should we do dude? That big snake keeps growing. It's gonna demolish the whole state soon. |
| Stan: | We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help. |
| Cartman: | Where is Chef? |
| |
| [Aruba Island] |
| Chef is seen surrounded by 3 women in bikinis. One's holding a fan another is holding a phone, and the 3rd one is holding a drink. |
| Chef: | [starts singing] Baby you know you look out for me...and all that I want to be...You and me, and a her, simultaneous. You and me, and you and you, simultaneous lovin' baby. Two or three. Heh heh, simultaneous lovin' baby. Ooh that's right. |
| Phone rings |
| Chef: | Hello? What? Oh hello children. It's a what? A giant snake! Killing everybody! Growing bigger?!? Children...you know I rarely say this but....well fudge ya. |
| He hangs up and continues his song |
| Chef: | ...Simultaneous , you and me, and you and you, simultaneous lovin' baby. Two or three. Heh-heh.... |
| |
| [South Park] |
| Stan hangs up |
| Kyle: | What'd he say? |
| Stan: | Dude I think he told us to go fuck ourselves. |
| Cartman: | Wow! |
| Kyle: | How's that gonna help? |
| |
| [News] |
| Newscaster: | All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake can be seen. |
| |
| [Somewhere in a desert near a river] |
| A bunch of dudes are standing near it |
| Man#1: | Yay, let the spirit of heavenly father be blessed upon you. |
| He dips a guy in water |
| Guy comes out of water |
| Guy: | From this day on, all will be well. |
| Man#1: | I already feel like things are getting better. |
| The giant snake pops up and kills them all |
| |
| [New York] |
| |
| [Dr.Katz's Office] |
| Mr.Garrison: | And I can't sleep or think. Where would he have gone, why would he leave? |
| Dr.Katz: | Well, um let me ask you this. Why, where, where do you think...Mr. Hat went? |
| Mr.Garrison: | How the fuck should I know? If I knew that I wouldn't be seeing a fucking psychiatrist, would I? |
| Dr.Katz: | Well I guess I see what you're saying. |
| Mr.Garrison: | At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning. |
| Dr.Katz: | Um. ahem. Are you gay? |
| Mr.Garrison: | What? |
| Dr.Katz: | It's, it's just a question. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Are you propositioning me? |
| Dr.Katz: | No. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Well I can tell you that I'm 100% not gay. |
| Dr.Katz: | Well I believe you. I absolutely believe you. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Mr. Hat on the other hand. |
| Dr.Katz: | Mr. Hat was gay? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Sometimes he fantasizes about same relations. |
| Dr.Katz: | I see. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, in a bottle of a Thousand Island dressing. |
| Dr.Katz: | That I did not need to know. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Well I'm just saying. |
| Dr.Katz: | Mr.Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see it's you that's gay, but you're in denial, so you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet. What do you think about that? |
| Mr.Garrison: | I think you're the loony one in this room. |
| A snake breaks the office window and kills Dr.Katz, but misses Mr.Garrison |
| Mr.Garrison: | Serves you right you gay bashing homo! |
| |
| [Prison] |
| Jimbo and Ned are behind bars |
| Jimbo: | Well Ned, looks like we missed 4th of July again. |
| Ned: | Mmyep. |
| Jimbo: | Damn it. Those poor kids must've been so disappointed having nothing but them stupid wussy snakes to light. |
| Ned: | MMwell better luck next year. |
| Jimbo: | Yeah you're right. Ok let's try again. |
| Ned: | Is anyone other than the 2 of you traveling in this vehicle? |
| Jimbo: | No. |
| Ned: | Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car? |
| Jimbo: | Yes? |
| Ned shakes his head |
| Jimbo: | Damn it, I got it wrong again! What's the answer again? |
| All of a sudden the snake breaks through the jail |
| Jimbo: | Holy smokes, what the hell is that? |
| Ned: | It looks like my ex-wife! |
| Jimbo: | Quick Ned, this is our chance. The hummer's outside. |
| |
| [Locker room] |
| Brett Favre comes out with a towel covering him, and sees Mr. Hat sitting on the bench |
| Brett Favre: | Hey I haven't seen you in here before. |
| Mr. Hat looks at him |
| |
| [News] |
| Newscaster: | As more and more cities are effected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3000, people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers. And it appears as if thought the mayor is going to explain matters now. |
| The mayor's assistants come out |
| Assistant#1: | Uh ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of South Park regrets that she can not be here herself. But she is sick. |
| Crowd: | Sick? What kind of lame excuse is that? You gotta be kidding me! Aw this is ridiculous. Come on we want answers! |
| Assitant#2: | She's having her period. |
| Man in crowd: | Oh. |
| Assistant#2: | We do however have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out. "We're sorry, our bad." |
| Assistant#1: | Thank you that is all. |
| Both assistants leave. |
| |
| [Swimming Pool] |
| Cartman is all alone because pool is closed due to giant snake |
| Cartman: | Ook. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end. |
| He starts swimming towards the deep |
| Cartman: | I can do it. I can do it. I can....I'm gonna make it. |
| |
| [Near some tree] |
| Kyle and Stan are standing next to a man with a sign |
| Stan: | How many days left in summer. |
| Kyle: | A lot I think. |
| Stan: | Damn it! I just want it to snow again! |
| Kyle: | I don't think it matters dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon. |
| Jimbo drives up |
| Jimbo: | Buenas Gracias boys! |
| Stan: | Hi uncle Jimbo. |
| Jimbo: | Aww now, why the long faces? |
| Kyle: | We're bored. There's nothing to do. |
| Jimbo: | Well I don't think that's a problem that some Tijuana rockets can't solve. |
| Stan and Kyle: | Hooray! |
| Jimbo: | Careful with those now. Those are dangerous. Point them away from your eyes now. |
| They light their rockets and the rockets hit the ash snake and stop it from growing |
| Jimbo: | Aww look at em Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child. |
| Stan: | Hey look! We blew up the snake! |
| Crowd cheers |
| Man in crowd: | All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out. |
| Jimbo: | Well how do you like that. Bottle rockets saved the 4th of July. |
| Stan and Kyle: | Hooray! |
| |
| [Pool] |
| Cartman continues to swim towards the deep end |
| Cartman: | I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end! |
| He touches the other end of the pool |
| Cartman: | I made it! I made it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me! |
| Lifeguard: | The snake's been destroyed, the pool's open! |
| Cartman: | Huh? |
| A bunch of 1st graders jump in the pool and it turns completely yellow. |
| Cartman: | Oh no! You sons of bitches! Aww sons of bitches! |
| He swims away |
| |
| [Streets of South Park] |
| Man: | Look they put out the snake! |
| Crowd: | Hooray! |
| Mayor: | Yes apparently my plan to blow up the snake worked perfectly. |
| Kyle: | Hey look it's snowing! |
| Jimbo: | Well it's snowing black ash, but what the hell? |
| Kids everywhere start having fun like it's winter again |
| Stan: | Winter's back! |
| Mr.Garrison: | Wow, it's a black blizzard! |
| Kyle: | Mr.Garrison: Where's Mr. Hat? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Oh I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timing whore. From now on children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr.Twig. |
| Mr.Twig: | That's right children. I'll see you in the fall! |
| Stan: | Oh I can hardly wait. |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [Streets of South Park] |
| Chef arrives in his car |
| Chef: | Hey children! Everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the.... |
| Everyone appears in Blackface. |
| Kyle: | Hey Chef. |
| Cartman: | How's it going? |
| Man: | Howdy Chef, how was your summer vacation? |
| [Silence] |
| Chef: | Ok, everybody get in a line, so I can whoop all yo asses. |
| |
| [fin] |
