 |  |
| [Hell's Pass Hospital] | |
| Doctor: | It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time. |
| Sharon: | What's wrong with her? |
| Doctor: | It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little girl I take it? |
| Sharon: | No, no, she's been perfectly healthy. |
| Doctor: | Well that's the problem. See chickenpox is pretty normal thing with young children. As you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease. |
| Stan comes into the room | |
| Sharon: | Shelley, looks who's come to visit you? Your little brother Stan. |
| Shelley: | [Sarcastically] Oh whoopee! |
| Doctor: | You know, most people don't realize chickenpox is actually a form of herpes. |
| Stan: | Dude you got herpes on your face! |
| Shelley: | Shut up brat! |
| Sharon: | Will my daughter be ok? |
| Doctor: | She'll be fine. |
| Stan bothers Shelley | |
| Shelley: | Stop it! |
| Doctor: | We just want to be cautious and monitor her here. |
| Shelley beats Stan up | |
| Sharon: | Come on Stanley, give your sister a kiss, and then we have to go. |
| [Kyle's House] | |
| Kyle's, Stan's, and Cartman's moms are all having a meeting | |
| Sharon: | And then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her 20s, she could die! |
| Sheila: | My god, I never knew the chickenpox was such a dangerous illness! |
| Ms. Cartman: | I guess it's much better to get it when you're young. |
| Sharon: | So tell me if I'm crazy but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now while they're young. |
| Sheila: | That's not crazy at all Sharon. Mothers do it all the time. |
| Ms. Cartman: | Ooh yes, when I was a child my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it. |
| Sharon: | So it's not such a crazy idea after all. |
| Sheila: | No no no! And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now. |
| Stan, Kyle, and Cartman approach | |
| Kyle: | Are you guys having a meeting or something? |
| Sheila: | How would you boys like to have a slumber party at your little friend Kenny's House tonight? |
| Cartman: | No way dude, Kenny's family is poor. They live in the ghetto! |
| Kyle: | Yeah, let's just have a slumber party here. |
| Sharon: | Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's and that's final. |
| Cartman: | Oh weak! |
| [Outside] | |
| The boys are walking over to Kenny's house | |
| Kyle: | I wonder why our moms wanted us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad. |
| Stan: | Yeah, it's pretty weird. |
| Kyle: | All I can say is they better have Nintendo. |
| [Near Kenny's House] | |
| Kyle: | Well here's Kenny's house. |
| Cartman: | [Starts singing] In the ghetto...on the cold and grey Chicago morning, my little favorite child is born in the ghetto....in the ghetto.... |
| They knock on the door | |
| Kenny's Dad opens it | |
| Kenny's dad: | Yeah? |
| Stan: | We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny. |
| Kenny's Dad: | What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with..... |
| Kenny's Mom: | That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young. |
| Kenny's Dad: | Oh yeah. |
| Stan: | Catch what? |
| Kenny's Mom: | Nothing...come on in. I was just making dinner. |
| [Inside of Kenny's House] | |
| Cartman: | [Continues to Sing] ....and his mama cries...cause if it's .....another bit of hunger for my two feet in the ghetto....in the ghetto... |
| Stan: | Shhh! Cartman! |
| Cartman: | What? |
| Kenny's Mom: | Kenny! Your little friends are here! Come play with them! |
| Kenny: | But mom I'm fucking sick! |
| Kenny's Mom: | I know you're sick, now get your buns out here! |
| Kyle: | Heh heh heh..buns. |
| Kenny comes into the room | |
| Kenny: | Hey you guys, what's going on? |
| Stan: | Whoa dude! You got herpes on your face too! |
| Cartman: | Where is the Nintendo? |
| Kenny's Dad: | We don't have a Nintendo. We got a calico-vision plugged into the black and white TV. |
| A rat runs by | |
| Kyle: | Oh my god. This is like a third world country. |
| Kenny's Mom: | Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then go grab some dinner. |
| Cartman: | Oh good I'm starving. |
| [At the dinner table] | |
| Kenny's Mom: | Let's say grace. |
| Kenny's Dad: | Lord....we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles that you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen. |
| Everyone else: | Amen. |
| Kenny's Mom: | Ok, let's dig in. |
| She puts in a waffle in the toaster | |
| Kenny's Brother: | That one's mine! That one's mine! |
| Cartman: | What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles? |
| [Silence] | |
| Cartman: | Am I to understand there will be no side dishes? |
| Kenny's Dad: | So Kyle, your dad still bringing home those big fat lawyer paychecks? |
| Kyle: | I don't know. |
| Kenny's Mom: | Stewart, don't even get started. |
| Stewart: | What, I'm just asking a question. You know your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We even worked together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted, went off to community college, and I didn't. And you know why? Cause your dad's Jewish! |
| Cartman: | Heh. I heard that. |
| Kenny's Mom: | That ain't why Stewart! It's because you're an alcoholic retard, and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!! |
| Stewart: | Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook? |
| Kenny's Mom: | What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles clamhead? You put em in the toaster, you cook em! |
| Stewart: | You just don't know how to use spices and stuff. |
| Waffle pops up | |
| Kevin: | My waffle's done, my waffle's done! |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Now Kevin, we ain't go enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother. |
| Cartman: | Oh Jesus, are you fucking kidding me? |
| Stewart: | Hey! We don't say fuck at the table you little asshole! |
| Cartman: | Yeah, we apparently don't say side-dishes either. |
| Kenny sneezes on his plate | |
| Kenny's Mom: | Kenny honey, if you're gonna sneeze, sneeze on them. |
| Stan: | Huh? |
| Kenny sneezes on Cartman | |
| Cartman: | Ay! |
| [Kenny's Bedroom] | |
| Cartman: | Man your family sucks ass Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner? |
| Kyle: | Come on, let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with. |
| Stan unrolls his Terrance and Phillip Sleeping bag | |
| Kyle unrolls his T&P sleeping bag | |
| Cartman unrolls his Steve Urkel sleeping bag | |
| Kyle: | Cartman, what the hell is that? |
| Cartman: | It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it kewl? |
| Kyle: | No it's not cool! |
| Stan: | Dude, I think I just saw a rat. |
| Cartman: | Ah! You have rats in your house too Kenny? |
| Kenny: | Uh huh. |
| Cartman: | Dude seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I'm gonna start hocking rocks at ya. |
| Stan: | I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats. |
| Kenny: | I don't think we have rats since we put the fucking ceiling in. |
| Stan: | Oh. |
| They all go to sleep | |
| Kenny claps his hands and the light turns off | |
| Kenny sneezes | |
| [Stan's House] | |
| Sharon: | Ok let me see. Oh goody you've got a fever! |
| Stan: | Goody? What do you mean goody? |
| Sharon: | Yep, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright. |
| Stan: | Oh no I must've caught it from Kenny last night. |
| Sharon: | Oh gee I guess you did. |
| Stan: | Well you sure seem happy about it. |
| Sharon: | Alright, it's off to bed with you young man. |
| [Cartman's House] | |
| Cartman's itching himself | |
| Ms. Cartman: | Don't scratch it hon. |
| Cartman: | But mom seriously it itches, I can't stand it!! |
| Ms. Cartman: | No hon. |
| Cartman: | Mom seriously!!! |
| Ms. Cartman: | I got you some calamine lotion. |
| Cartman: | I don't wanna. |
| Ms. Cartman: | It'll make your itches go away. |
| She puts some on his face, and he likes it | |
| Cartman: | Ay give me that! |
| Cartman puts it all over his face and sighs with relief | |
| Ms. Cartman: | Not too much hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad. |
| Cartman: | More calamine lotion! |
| [Kyle's House] | |
| Sheila: | I don't understand it, he's perfectly healthy. |
| Kyle: | Yeah, I feel great. |
| Sheila: | Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house. |
| Kyle: | Yeah dude. I told you we had bread sandwiches for breakfast. |
| Sheila: | Did you sleep in the same room? |
| Kyle: | Yes, why? |
| Sheila: | Boobie, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again? |
| Kyle: | No way dude, it sucked ass. They didn't even have cable. |
| Sheila: | Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends. |
| Kyle: | Kenny's not really my friend ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him. |
| Sheila: | I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call. |
| Kyle: | Aww....hey dad, is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young? |
| Gerald: | Who Stewart? Yeah yeah, I guess we were. |
| Kyle: | Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, while we have a big house and lots of food? |
| Gerald: | Well because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do. |
| Kyle: | But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just give them half of our food? |
| Gerald: | Ha hah ha ha ha!Boy have you got a lot to learn. Sit down son. You see Kyle, we humans work as a society. In order for a society to thrive we need gods and clods. |
| Kyle: | Gods and clods? |
| Gerald: | Yes, you see I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my french fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down. |
| Kyle: | Ooh I see. Gods and clods. |
| Gerald: | That's right, so Kenny's family is happy just the way they are. And we're all a functioning part of America. |
| [Stan's House] | |
| Stan is lying in bed looking very sick | |
| Sharon: | Stanley, can I get you anything else? Stanley? Oh my god. Randy! Randy, hurry he's burning up! |
| [Cut to Commercial] | |
| [Hells Pass Hospital] | |
| Sharon: | Don't you worry Stanley, you're going to be ok. |
| Doctor: | Can I talk to you outside? |
| Sharon: | Kids, daddy and I are gonna be right back ok? |
| Stan: | Ok. |
| Shelley: | Serves you right you little brat. |
| Stan: | At least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Hehehe! |
| Shelley: | If I die from this I'm taking you with me! |
| TV: | Will Carol find out she's a.... |
| Stan: | I don't wanna watch this. I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip. |
| Shelley: | We're watching this. |
| Stan: | Well I've got the remote bitch! Hahaha! |
| TV Phillip: | Say Terrance would you check my ass for abnormalities? |
| Terrance: | Sure thing Phillip. |
| Phillip farts on Terrance's head | |
| Terrance: | Ahahah! You got me again! |
| Stan laughs | |
| Phillip: | That's tom foolery. |
| Stan laughs again | |
| Shelley: | Give me the remote. |
| Stan: | No way dude. We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day. |
| Shelley presses a button and Stan is smashed inside his bed, and she gets the remote | |
| Stan: | [In a muffled voice] Get me out here! |
| [Outside their room] | |
| Doctor: | He'll be ok. But it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while. |
| Sharon: | Oh god, what have we done? |
| Doctor: | There there now, it's not your fault. |
| Randy: | Doctor, we purposely sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early. |
| Doctor: | Ooh wow you did? Wow, you guys suck. |
| [Kenny's House] | |
| Kyle: | Can we go home now mom? |
| Sheila: | No bubla, you play with Kenny some more. |
| Kyle: | But we've been playing for 8 hours! We can't think of anything else to do. |
| Sheila: | I've got a great game for you! It's called Ookie-Mouth. |
| Kyle: | What's ookie-mouth? |
| Sheila: | First you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and try to say ookie-mouth at the same time. |
| Kyle: | Sick dude! |
| Sheila: | No no boobie, it's loads of fun. Try it! |
| Kenny and Kyle leave the room | |
| Sheila: | That oughta take care of it. |
| Mrs. McCormick: | You want some more hot water? |
| Sheila: | Oh no thank you, it's terrific though! You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the tea bags do you? |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Ah, we don't care for that hoidy, toydi, rich folks stuff. |
| Sheila: | I see, well you certainly have humble home Mrs. McCormick. |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Yeah well unfortunately my husband is a washed up hunk of shit! |
| Sheila: | Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. |
| In the background Kyle is heard saying ookie-mouth and Kenny is hear spitting | |
| Kyle: | [In background] Gross! I can't do it ma! |
| Sheila: | Try again boobie! |
| Kenny is heard spitting and Kyle screams | |
| Sheila: | You know your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers. |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Oh they was best friends. You couldn't separate em. |
| Sheila: | Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them? |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Oh they just grew apart I guess. I think Stewart's a little jealous that your husband got out of making pizzas and went on to make something of hisself. |
| Sheila: | Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband is a fine man. |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Oh hell no. He's a nothin' but a deer turd. |
| Sheila: | You say they were such good friends, it's silly they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together. |
| Mrs. McCormick: | I don't know. |
| Sheila: | We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something. |
| Kyle and Kenny come back into the room, Kyle has spit all over his face | |
| Kyle: | I can't say ookie-mouth and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible. |
| Sheila: | Practice makes perfect boobie. |
| [Cartman's House] | |
| Cartman: | Where's that calamine lotion? |
| Terrance and Phillip are shown on TV | |
| Terrance: | Phillip, I got good news and bad news. |
| Phillip: | Give it to me straight Terrance. |
| Terrance: | The good news is you have a clean pail of health. |
| Phillip: | Oh what a relief! |
| Terrance: | The bad news is you have cancer. |
| Phillip: | Cancer! |
| Terrance: | Yes, I'm afraid your ass is collapsing. |
| Phillip: | My ass is collapsing! |
| Terrance: | See this x-ray? That's your ass. See that line? That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing! |
| Phillip: | Does this mean I won't be able to fart anymore? |
| Terrance: | No, it means you won't be able to live anymore. |
| T&P laugh | |
| Cartman: | Oh no! |
| Cartman looks shocked | |
| Kitty comes along | |
| Kitty: | Meow. |
| Cartman: | No kitty that's a....wait a minute. Come here Kitty. |
| Cartman scratches his face with the cat | |
| Cartman's mom comes home | |
| Ms. Cartman: | I'm back hon, I got some more calamine lotion. |
| Cartman: | It's about friggin' time! Give me that! |
| Cartman runs up the stairs | |
| Ms. Cartman: | Just use a little bit of that stuff hon. It has to last a while. |
| Cartman runs into the bathroom, opens up all the bottles of the lotion, and pours them all into the bathtub. Then he strips and jumps into the tub with a sigh of relief | |
| Cartman: | Ooh yess....you guys seriously now....ahhh.... |
| [In Mr. McCormick's Truck] | |
| Stewart: | I didn't know you liked to fish Gerry. |
| Gerald: | Oh yeah I love it. I haven't done it for a while though. I had to run out a buy a few things. A rod and a reel and a...a... |
| Stewart: | Tackle box? |
| Gerald: | Yeah! Tackle box. Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning. Aren't weekends just the best? |
| Stewart: | When you're uh unemployed, weekends are meaningless. |
| Gerald: | Right, right, right. |
| [Classroom] | |
| Mr.Garrison: | And so children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now are there any questions? Yes Kyle. |
| Kyle: | What the hell does that have to do with American history? |
| Mr.Garrison: | That's a good question Kyle. Are there any other questions? |
| Kyle: | Mr.Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes. |
| Mr.Garrison: | Right, right. Well class, I'm gonna assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, how I would make America better. |
| Kyle: | What? Does everybody have to do it or just me? |
| Mr.Garrison: | Don't worry Kyle, I'm sending home word to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper too. |
| [Hells Pass Hospital] | |
| Stan: | Homework? But I'm in the hospital! |
| Sharon: | Well your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick. |
| Stan: | That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he!? |
| Sharon: | Now Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later you'll understand that he did this for your own good. |
| Stan: | Not Mr.Garrison ma, he really is a sick weirdo. |
| Randy: | Yeah, it's true, he is. |
| Sharon: | Oh. Well anyway, here's a pencil and some paper. |
| Stan: | Hey where're you going? |
| Randy: | We're going down to Happy Burger for some milkshakes. |
| Stan: | Milkshakes? |
| Sharon: | Yeah and then we're going to the movies! |
| Randy: | See ya son! |
| Stan: | Weak! |
| [Kyle's House] | |
| Kyle is sitting on the couch writing his paper | |
| Kyle: | So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea. |
| Kyle goes into the kitchen and overhears his mom's conversation on the phone | |
| [Kitchen] | |
| Sheila: | No I don't understand it Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy. He's been over at Kenny's house 3 days in a row, and still hasn't caught the chicken pox. |
| Kyle: | What? |
| Sheila: | I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it! |
| Kyle: | Oh my god! |
| Sheila: | Kyle! What are you doing there honey? |
| Kyle: | You! |
| Sheila: | I'll call you back Dr. Schwartz. |
| Kyle: | You! |
| Sheila: | What bubala, what is it? |
| Kyle: | You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick! |
| Sheila: | Oy. It was for your own good Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young. |
| Kyle: | Why? So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die like Stan! |
| Sheila: | Now Kyle, come here. |
| Kyle: | You get away from me you crazy woman! |
| Sheila: | Oh boy. |
| [Cut to Commercial] | |
| [At Some Fishing Spot] | |
| Stewart: | Beer? |
| Gerald: | Oh no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has 6 different beers from local breweries. Say, remember the time we built the fort in your mom's back yard? |
| Stewart: | Heh heh huh yeah. It took damned 2 years to finish it. |
| Gerald: | Ha ha. What ever happened to that old hunk of junk? |
| Stewart: | That's where I live now. |
| Gerald: | O, right. |
| [Hells Pass Hospital] | |
| Stan is writing | |
| Stan: | And so that's why nightrider was the best show in America. |
| Kyle runs into the room | |
| Kyle: | Stan Stan!! |
| Stan: | Shh! Wake her up and we're both dead. |
| Kyle: | You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house, you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox? |
| Stan: | Yeah. |
| Kyle: | Dude, our parents sent us over there to get us sick. |
| Stan: | What are you talking about? |
| Kyle: | They knew that staying at Kenny's house would make us sick. And they made us do it anyway. |
| Stan: | They did? |
| Kyle: | Yeah, and I think I figured out why. |
| Stan: | Why? |
| Kyle: | Because they're a bunch of assholes. |
| Stan: | Uh....of course! |
| Kyle: | Come on dude, we gotta get outta here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good. |
| [Cartman's Bathroom] | |
| Cartman is writing his paper in his bathtub | |
| Cartman: | I hope that one day America can be more like Endor. Where the Ewoks live. Endor is very..... |
| [Doorbell rings] | |
| Cartman: | Mom answer that! They have crazed Ewoks and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. |
| Kenny and Stan enter the bathroom | |
| Kyle: | Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago? |
| Cartman: | I remember frozen waffles with no side-dishes. |
| Stan: | Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny. |
| Kyle: | Yeah dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face. |
| Cartman: | She what? |
| Stan: | It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something. |
| Cartman: | That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!! |
| Kyle: | No no no no. Come on fatass, we're gonna get em all back. |
| [Back at the fishing lake] | |
| Gerald: | Well I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something will come along. |
| Stewart: | It's not that easy. You were lucky. |
| Gerald: | Now now, I wasn't lucky. |
| Stewart: | You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college. |
| Gerald: | Ay! I worked my ASS off to get to where I am today. I wanted to be somebody! |
| Stewart: | I wanted to be somebody to! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass! |
| Gerald: | You're just jealous! You're a bitter old drunk just like your father! |
| Stewart punches him | |
| Gerald: | Ow! |
| Stewart: | Now don't make me do that again. |
| Stewart punches him again | |
| Gerald: | Ow!!! You son of a bitch! |
| They get in a fight, and Stewart jumps on Gerald | |
| [Hells Pass Hospital, Stan and Shelley's Room] | |
| Randy: | Doctor? |
| Doctor: | Yes. |
| Randy: | Where's Stan? |
| Doctor: | Stan? |
| Randy: | Stan, our son. |
| Doctor: | Oh yes, where's Stan. |
| Sharon: | You mean Stanley's missing? |
| Doctor: | No no, he's not missing. We just, can't seem to find him at this moment. |
| Sharon: | Oh my god, our son ran away! |
| Randy: | Will he be ok out of the hospital? |
| Doctor: | Oh sure sure. But we have to get him back soon, if he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die. |
| Sharon: | Die!? |
| Doctor: | Yes die. It won't be an easy death either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.... |
| Randy: | Ok, well let's go look. |
| Doctor: | ...as he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain making him think he's David Duchoveny... |
| Sharon: | Ooh god no! |
| Randy: | I'm sure he couldn't have gone far. |
| Doctor: | ...now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably his cellular structure will regress in a deluctnous mass of.... |
| [Kyle's House] | |
| Gerald opens the door looking all beat up | |
| Sheila is sitting on the floor playing with Ike | |
| Sheila: | So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing? |
| Gerald: | That son of a bitch ripped my parka! |
| Sheila: | Catch anything? |
| Gerald: | I just don't get it. Why would he invite me fishing and turn into a complete bastard? |
| Sheila: | Well darling I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you, I set the whole thing up. |
| Gerald: | What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that? |
| Sheila: | I thought it would be good for you. |
| Gerald: | Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's, and that didn't work either! |
| Sheila: | I'm doing the best I can! |
| She runs out of the room | |
| Gerald sits on the couch and starts reading Kyle's paper | |
| Kyle's Paper: | My final solution by Kyle Broslofski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better, is to put all poor people into camps. |
| Gerald: | What?!?! |
| Kyle's Paper: | If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. Cause they'll all be dead. The end. |
| Gerald: | Oh god, what have I done? |
| [Chef's House] | |
| Chef is watching Terrance and Phillip on TV | |
| Phillip: | What's happening here Terrance? |
| Terrance: | We're doing and anal transplant, it's our only hope. |
| Phillip: | Who's the donor? |
| Terrance: | I am Phillip. I am. |
| Phillip: | Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me? |
| Terrance: | Just half my ass. Can you believe it Phillip? Here we are best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass. |
| Knocking is heard | |
| Chef: | Oh damn it! Not now! |
| Chef opens the door and sees Cartman, Stan, and Kyle | |
| Chef: | Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery! |
| Kyle: | Chef, we wanna know about herpes. |
| Chef: | What makes you think I would know anything about that? |
| Kyle: | I dunno, you're just the only grownup we trust. |
| Stan: | How does someone get herpes? |
| Chef: | Well you get by sharing things with someone who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes. |
| Kyle: | You know anybody with herpes? |
| Chef: | Well there's old Frieda, down on main street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her. |
| Stan: | But what if we want to give somebody herpes? |
| Chef: | Oh well then Frieda's the right person to go to. |
| Kyle: | Cool! |
| Stan: | Thanks Chef! |
| Chef: | Ook! |
| He closes the door | |
| Chef: | Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do? |
| [On the streets] | |
| Sharon and Randy are driving in the car looking for Stan | |
| Sharon: | Stanley? |
| Randy: | Stan? |
| Sharon: | Oh Stanley where are you. |
| Randy: | Stan? |
| Sharon: | Stanley! |
| Meanwhile they drive right by the kids not seeing them | |
| [Downtown South Park] | |
| Kyle: | Are you old Frieda? |
| Frieda: | Who wants to know? |
| Kyle: | Someone who has a favor. |
| Frieda: | Ten dollars I'll leg, five dollars a nut |
| Kyle: | Huh? |
| Cartman: | We want you to give our parents herpes. |
| Frieda: | Five dollars. |
| Stan: | My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser [cough] |
| Kyle: | Stan you sound pretty sick, maybe you should go back to the hospital. |
| Stan: | And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks. Plus I want to get my parents back just as much as you do. |
| [Stan's House] | |
| Frieda brushes her teeth with Stan's parents' toothbrushes | |
| She drinks milk, and then spits it back in | |
| [Kyle's House] | |
| Frieda wipes a fork under her arms, and puts on some of Kyle's mom's lipstick | |
| [Cartman's House] | |
| Frieda wipes Ms. Cartman's panties on her face | |
| [Stan's House] | |
| Stan: | Thanks a lot Frieda! |
| Frieda: | [cough] Don't mention it. |
| She leaves | |
| Kyle: | Dude this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes. |
| Kids: | Hooray! |
| Stan coughs | |
| Parents enter | |
| Randy: | Stanley, where the hell have you been. |
| Sharon: | Damn it Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot! |
| Stan: | I don't wanna go back there! |
| Randy: | Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital. |
| Randy drags him out the door | |
| Stan: | Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first? |
| Randy: | What? |
| Stan: | You know freshen up your breath. |
| Kyle: | Oh man, I don't feel so good. |
| Sheila: | Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken.... |
| Kyle faints and falls on the floor | |
| Sheila: | Gasp, Kyle! |
| [Cut to Commercial] | |
| [Hells Pass Hospital] | |
| Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Shelley are all in beds | |
| Doctor: | Well I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all. |
| Kyle: | We're sorry. |
| Doctor: | Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in. |
| Parents all come in, and all have black and grey dots near their mouths | |
| Kyle: | This itches, give me some of that calamine lotion Cartman. |
| Cartman: | Heeelll no, you guys get your own! |
| Sharon: | Stanley, how are you feeling today son? |
| Stan: | Pretty good. |
| Sharon: | The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow. |
| Randy: | Yeah, isn't that great Stanley? |
| Stan: | Wow cool! |
| Sheila: | And how are you Kyle? |
| Randy: | Are you doing ok? |
| Kyle: | I'm better now! |
| Kyle and Stan start laughing | |
| Sharon: | What's so funny you two? |
| Kyle: | We gave you guys herpes! |
| Sheila: | What what what!? You did this? |
| Stan: | We got you back for getting us sick! We had a prostitute use her toothbrushes and stuff. |
| Randy: | I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals! |
| Sharon: | Well I guess it serves us right. Kids, we should've been honest about wanting you to get chickenpox. |
| Sheila: | It's true, we were wrong for deceiving you about it. |
| Cartman: | Hey how come you don't have sores on your lips mom? |
| Ms. Cartman: | Ooh, I have them somewhere else poopykins. |
| Cartman: | Hooray! |
| Gerald: | And uh Stewart, I think I owe you an apology. I realized I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me. |
| Stewart: | Oh hell I'm sorry too. |
| [TV in the Background of Room] | |
| Terrance: | Oh Phillip, I'm glad everything turned out for the better. |
| Phillip farts and they both laugh | |
| Cartman: | Well I know one thing for sure. |
| Ms. Cartman: | What's that Eric? |
| Cartman: | We're all gonna need more calamine lotion. |
| Everyone laughs | |
| All of a sudden Kenny's heart stops and he dies | |
| Stan: | Oh my god! They killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: | You bastards! |
| Stan laughs, Kyle joins, and then everyone else is laughing again | |
| [fin] |
| |