 |  |  |
| [Mr. Garrison's Classroom] | |
| Wendy: | Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day? |
| Stan: | I know. |
| Wendy: | Maybe we should go on a cruise or something. |
| Stan: | I can't afford a cruise, dude! |
| Wendy: | I know, but we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise. |
| Cartman bursts out laughing. | |
| Stan: | Shut up Cartman! |
| Cartman: | That is so lame. |
| Cartman stops laughing. | |
| Cartman: | Oh man, eh. |
| Wendy: | And then we can dress up in little costumes, and pretend we're getting married. |
| Cartman starts laughing again. | |
| Cartman falls out of his desk. | |
| Cartman: | Stop, seriously, you're killing me over here. |
| Principal Victoria walks in. | |
| Principal Victoria: | Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery. |
| [Cheering] | |
| Principal Victoria: | So you're going to have a substitute teacher. |
| [Groan] | |
| Principal Victoria: | And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. |
| Kyle raises his hand. | |
| Principal Victoria: | Yes little boy? |
| Kyle: | We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison. |
| [Silence] | |
| Principal Victoria: | Oh, any-who, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Hello children. |
| Kyle,Stan: | Whoa! |
| Cartman: | Wow, she's pretty. |
| Kenny: | Yeh, I'd like to get a piece of her. |
| Stan: | You can say that again. |
| Kenny: | Yeh, I'd like to get a piece of her. |
| Principal Victoria: | Good luck Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear-gas, ok? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine. |
| Stan, Cartman and Kyle are brandishing huge grins. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery. But I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us. |
| Stan and Kyle have little hearts floating above their heads. | |
| Wendy: | [Gasp]Stan, Stan! |
| Ms. Ellen: | Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You are, Eric Cartman? |
| Cartman: | Yes ma'am. |
| Stan: | Ok, and, you must be Stan Marsh. |
| Stan pukes. | |
| [Silence] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Do you need to go to the nurses office Stanley. |
| Cartman: | Nahh, he always pukes when he's in love. |
| Stan: | I'll kick your ass Cartman! |
| Ms. Ellen: | So, you're alright? |
| Stan pukes. | |
| Wendy looks concerned. | |
| Kyle: | Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh? |
| [Tom's Rhinoplasty] | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, I have to admit, I'm still embarassed about getting a nose-job Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes. |
| Tom: | You shouldn't be embarassed Mr. Garrison, people have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want. |
| Tom boots up his PC[You can even hear the hard drive spin up]. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wow, isn't that amazing Mr. Hat. |
| Mr. Hat: | It sure is Mr. Garrison. |
| Tom: | Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this. |
| Tom brings up a new display on the PC. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Hmmm. |
| Tom: | Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this. |
| Tom brings up another display on the PC. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, that's not bad. |
| Tom: | Of course we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this. |
| Tom brings up a display that looks vaguely similar to David Hasselhoff. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wow, that's it! That's the nose I want! |
| Tom: | Alrighty then. |
| Tom powers off the PC. | |
| Tom: | Now, I must warn you Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. |
| [Dramatic music] | |
| Tom: | You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature. |
| Zoom in to Tom's face. | |
| Tom: | So terrifyingly ugly that you are forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at night to hunt for scraps of food. |
| Mr. Garrison: | I can live with that. |
| Tom: | Alrighty then, let's get started. |
| [Playground] | |
| Cartman: | She wasn't looking at you buttlord, she was looking at me. |
| Kyle: | Well, that goes without saying fatass, how could she help but look at you. |
| Stan: | You guys can stop fighting, it was me she was checking out. |
| Cartman: | Until you puked on her. |
| Chef: | Hello there children, what's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher? |
| Kyle: | Ms. Ellen dude, she's beautiful! |
| Wendy and Bebe are are swings. | |
| Wendy looks dejected. | |
| Chef: | Is she like, uh, Vanessa Williams beautiful, or Toni Braxton beautiful? |
| The kids appear unsure. | |
| Chef: | Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? |
| The kids shrug. | |
| Chef: | Or is she Erin Gray in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful? |
| Stan: | Yeh, that one. |
| Chef: | Wooh, I got to meet this woman. |
| Wendy: | Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one? |
| Stan: | No. |
| Wendy: | Well, it is! |
| Chef: | That's ok, you know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other. |
| Kenny: | Yeh, they can .... |
| Chef: | That's right. |
| Wendy: | Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it? |
| Chef: | That's ok. You know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it? |
| [Silence] | |
| Kenny shrugs. | |
| Wendy: | Stan, we're still Valentines, right? |
| Stan: | Sure Wendy, whatever. |
| Kyle: | Hey, we should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents. |
| Stan: | Yeh, we'll go to the mall tonight. |
| Cartman: | I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner, chicks like vacuum cleaners. |
| Love-lost music begins playing. | |
| Wendy lets loose a tear. | |
| A series of short clips of Stan and Wendy from previous episodes are shown while the song is played. | |
| Most shots involve a little vomit on Stan's part. | |
| Vocalist: | [Singing]I remember when we fell in love, the moments that we shared were timeless. Saw it in the air, knew it in a glance, the songs we sang were simple reminders. I can't stop now. My heart's awake, I feel your arms, my arms to take. |
| Must things change, Even when love is the same. | |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Ms. Ellen is writing on the chalkboard. | |
| The kids are checking out her ass. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, goodness, would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class? |
| Cartman: | Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! |
| Bebe: | You guys are so immature, act like eight-year olds! |
| Ms. Ellen: | Stan, how 'bout you? |
| Stan pukes. | |
| Stan: | I'd love to. |
| Wendy looks angry. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Now children, let's review our multiplication tables. |
| Cartman raises his hand. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Cartman? |
| Cartman: | What's a multiplication table? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? |
| [Silence] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Well, where did he leave off? |
| Cartman: | We were learning about how Yasmin Bleeth is going out with that Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21-Jumpstreet, but then he got his own show for just a little while. |
| Ms. Ellen is somewhat taken aback. | |
| The classroom door opens. | |
| Chef is in the doorway. | |
| Chef: | Oh, hello. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Can I help you? |
| Chef: | [Sultry]I'm Chef. |
| Ms. Ellen: | And...? |
| Chef: | I just, uh, I stopped buy 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundy detergent on the playground. |
| Kyle: | My laundry detergent? |
| Stan: | That's not Kyle's.... |
| Chef: | Shhh. Crazy crackers always leaving their detergent all over the place. |
| Chef puts the detergent on Kyle's desk. | |
| Chef: | What was your name again? |
| Cartman: | Uh oh, Chef's movin' in on Ms. Ellen. |
| Ms. Ellen: | I'm the substitute. |
| Chef: | Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you. |
| Ms. Ellen: | That's very nice Mr. Chef, now, if you're finished.... |
| Music starts playing. | |
| Chef: | [Singing]Nobody could take your place. No way they could match your face. No. You got it goin' on in a way so clear. I just want to buy you a beer. Maybe tonight at 7: 30 or something I could, uh, come by and,uh, pick you up in my car. {No substitute |
| Stan: | We've got to learn how to do this dude. |
| Kyle: | Yep. |
| Ms. Ellen: | That was enthralling Mr. Chef, but, could I get back to teaching now? |
| Chef: | If we can have dinner tonight. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Fine Chef, just let me do my job before I get fired. |
| Cartman: | Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen! |
| Ms. Ellen: | What?!? |
| [Tom's Rhinoplasty] | |
| Tom: | Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! |
| Mr. Garrison: | Where? Where am I? |
| Tom: | The operation is over Mr. Garrison. |
| Mr. Garrison: | I, I feel weak. How do I look? |
| Tom: | You look great! |
| Mr. Garrison's Head is covered in bandages smattered with blood. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | I, I feel kind of nausious. |
| Tom: | Yes, well that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction. Sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Uhhhh. |
| Tom: | All the blood and mucous, just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. |
| Tom makes a breaking sound. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Ahhh. |
| Tom: | By the way, did you ever see that movie, Contact? |
| Mr. Garrison vomits violently. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh stop, that movie was terrible! |
| Tom: | Oh, well, I'm sorry Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest? I'll check on you a little later. |
| Tom leaves. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Waited through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her god damned father. |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Ok kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching up to do. |
| Cartman: | Goodbye Ms. Ellen. |
| Kyle: | Stop kissing ass Cartman. |
| Cartman: | I'm not kissing ass you stupid fleck! |
| Wendy: | Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Of course Wendy. |
| Wendy: | I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend Stan. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, well, I've taking a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life. |
| Wendy: | Can I tell you something Ms. Ellen? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Of course Wendy. |
| Wendy: | Don't fuck with me! |
| Ms. Ellen: | What? |
| Wendy: | You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whip your sorry whole ass back to last year! |
| Wendy leaves. | |
| Wendy: | Bye Ms. Ellen. |
| [Commecial] | |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you bought me. |
| Ms. Ellen opens one of the gifts. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, what a delightful scarf. Thank you Kyle. |
| Kyle grins gleefully. | |
| Stan: | [Cough]Loser gift. [Cough]Loser gift. |
| Ms. Ellen: | And here's one from Kenny. |
| She opens the gift. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, thank you very much Kenny, this is a very scrumptious looking sausage. |
| Kenny laughs. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, and what a nice alarm clock, thank you Stan. |
| Stan pukes. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | And here's another present, from Wendy. |
| Ms. Ellen opens the gift. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, why, it's a dead animal. Thank you Wendy. |
| Wendy glares back evilly. | |
| Stan: | See, she liked my present the best. |
| Kyle: | Where's your present Cartman? |
| Cartman has some chocolate smeared on his face. | |
| Cartman: | Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but, I uh, left it at home. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Ok kids, we're going to take a spelling test now. |
| [Gasp] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | But as an extra incentive, I'm going to take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner. |
| Cartman: | Ah man, I wish I knew how to spell. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Are there any questions before we begin? |
| Wendy raises her hand. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Yes Wendy? |
| Cartman is chowing down on some pie. | |
| Wendy: | When someone gets as old as you, do they have to wear Depends Undergarments? |
| Ms. Ellen stares back blankly. | |
| [Silence] | |
| [Cafeteria] | |
| Kyle: | Dude, I aced that test. I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen. |
| Stan: | No you're not, I don't think I missed any. |
| Wendy: | Hi Stan. |
| Stan: | I bet I scored a hundred. |
| Wendy: | HI STAN!!!! |
| Stan: | Oh, hi Wendy. |
| Wendy: | I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen. |
| Kyle: | No she wasn't. |
| Wendy: | YES SHE WAS! |
| Stan: | That's impossible. |
| Wendy: | Well, she did. And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it! |
| Cartman: | Nuh uh. |
| Wendy: | It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun. |
| Kyle: | Oh, cool. |
| Cartman: | Alright, Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing. |
| Kyle: | Yeh, you're acting like a freak Wendy. |
| Wendy: | NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK[echoes]!!!! |
| [Silence] | |
| Cartman: | Damn man, somebody's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass. |
| Chef: | Hello there children. |
| Cartman: | Oh, hey Chef. |
| Kyle: | How did your date with Ms. Ellen go? |
| Chef: | Not too good. |
| Stan: | What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her? |
| Chef: | No, no, no, she's not like that. You see. Uh, how do I put this? Children, Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team. |
| [Silence] | |
| Chef: | In, in, in other words, children, she's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion. |
| [Silence] | |
| Chef: | Don't you understand? She's a lesbian. |
| Stan: | A what-bian? |
| Kyle: | A plebian? |
| Chef: | You boys don't know what a lesbian is? |
| Stan: | Kenny? |
| Kenny shrugs. | |
| Stan: | No, explain it to us Chef. |
| Chef: | That, that's ok. Uh, ba, look, all you need to know is: Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians. |
| Stan: | Oh. |
| Chef: | Now move along children, you're holding up the line. |
| Kyle: | Weak dude, she only likes other lesbians. |
| Stan: | Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too. |
| Kyle: | Hey, yeh. |
| Cartman: | You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter-lesbian. |
| Stan: | You're just saying that Cartman. |
| Kyle: | Yeh, you're not a lesbian fatass. |
| Cartman: | I am too. |
| [Tom's Rhinoplasty] | |
| Tom: | Ok, only a few more bandages to go. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Well? |
| Tom: | Take a look for yourself. |
| Mr. Garrison checks himself in the mirror. | |
| He looks a lot like David Hasselhoff. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wow, that's a pretty good nose job! What do you think Mr. Hat? |
| Mr. Hat: | I think it looks great. |
| Tom: | Yes, I think once the swelling goes down, you'll really notice a difference. |
| [Cartman's House] | |
| Cartman is on the floor, licking the rug. | |
| Stan: | What the hell are you doing Cartman? |
| Cartman: | My mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet. |
| Stan: | Really? |
| Stan: | Well, I got a Indiglo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect. |
| Kyle puts the CD on. | |
| Kyle: | And I got these killer Birkenstocks. |
| Stan is putting on the Birks. | |
| They all start licking the carpet. | |
| Cartman: | This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours, and I still don't feel like a lesbian. |
| [Street in South Park] | |
| Shadow Dancing is playing. | |
| Mr. Garrison is grooving down the street. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Hi Mrs. Kimball. |
| Mrs. Kimball: | Ohh, howdy Mr. Garrison. Say honey, you look kind of different. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Really? |
| Mrs. Kimball: | Did you get a haircut? |
| Mr. Garrison: | No, but thanks for asking. |
| Mr. Garrison starts walking away. | |
| Mrs. Kimball: | [After Mr. Garrison]Call me, I'm in the book! |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wow Mr. Hat, having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us. |
| [Wendy's House] | |
| Wendy: | Thanks for coming over Bebe. |
| Bebe: | That's ok Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing anyway? |
| Wendy: | That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me Bebe. |
| Bebe: | Really? |
| Wendy: | Yeh, what I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover! |
| Bebe: | Oh, cool! |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Stan: | I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am. |
| Cartman: | I'm a bigger lesbian than you. |
| Stan: | No, you're a fatter lesbian than me. |
| Kyle: | Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian. |
| Clyde: | Whoa, is that Wendy Testeburger? |
| Sleazy music starts playing. | |
| Wendy has a lot of makeup on. | |
| Wendy walks into the classroom, cigarette in mouth. | |
| Wendy: | Hi guys, what's up? |
| Cartman: | Wow, Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John. |
| Stan: | Wow, hi Wendy. |
| Wendy: | Oh, hi Stan. [To Bebe]I think it worked Bebe. |
| Bebe: | Yeh. |
| Sleazier music starts playing. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Good morning children. |
| Kyle, Stan: | Wow! |
| Cartman: | Dang, duh, dang! |
| Kyle: | Yeh. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh Wendy, you wore black leather too. We're like sisters. |
| Wendy: | Die!!! |
| Ms. Ellen: | Alright kids, I finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is.... |
| Mr. Garrison walks into the classroom. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Hello there children. |
| Shadow Dancing starts playing. | |
| Stan: | Oh no, Mr. Garrison's back. |
| Cartman: | Ah, weak dude. |
| Carnival music starts playing. | |
| Wendy: | [Singing]Hooray, hooray, hooray for Mr. Garrison! He's back, he's back, Mr. Garrison is back! |
| Wendy begins waving. | |
| Wendy: | So long substitute, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out now. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Children, I have a very important announcement to make. |
| Carnival music comes to a halt. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | I'm quitting my job as a teacher. |
| [Gasp] | |
| Wendy: | What? |
| Mr. Garrison: | It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself. And I've decided to quit teaching and do what I've always dreamed of doing, hang out and screw hot chicks. |
| Wendy: | You-you can't. |
| Mr. Garrison: | But the good news is, I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it, and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher. |
| [Cheering] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Really? |
| Principal Victoria: | That's right. Will you stay? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Well...sure. |
| Wendy: | Noooooooo!!!!! Nooooooo!!!!! |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, by the way kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me, is, Stan. |
| Stan pukes. | |
| Stan: | Kick ass! |
| Wendy: | Noooooooo!!!!! Nooooooo!!!!! |
| Principal Victoria: | Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office. Your grandma just died. |
| Wendy: | AHHHHHHHHH! |
| Principal Victoria: | Ooh, my, what an exciting day. |
| [Commercial] | |
| [Photo Dojo] | |
| Shadow Dancing is playing. | |
| Mr. Garrison is modelling. | |
| Photographer: | Great baby, you're looking great. |
| Mr. Garrison: | I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat! |
| Mr. Hat: | You can say that again Mr. Garrison! |
| Photographer: | Ok, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done. |
| Mr. Garrison: | A few hundred? |
| Photographer: | Hey, that's the life of a model, baby. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh boy, I'm gonna need some more smack. |
| Photographer: | You got it! |
| [King Jimmy's Buffet] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | I'm very glad we could have dinner together Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education. |
| Stan: | Are we making love now? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Excuse me? |
| Stan: | They don't have a fireplace here, we shouldn't be making love yet. |
| Ms. Ellen: | What are you talking about? |
| Stan: | You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Stan, I'm your teacher ok, we're only friends. |
| Stan: | But why? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Well, first of all, you're eight. |
| Stan: | It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh boy. |
| [Outside King Jimmy's] | |
| Wendy: | It's over. I give up. |
| [Street in South Park] | |
| Mr. Garrison is leaning upon a mailbox. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Boy, I'll tell you something Mr. Hat, being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring. |
| Mr. Hat: | You can say that again Mr. Garrison. |
| A crowd of screaming nubiles come charging towards Mr. Garrison. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | What the? |
| The women begin tearing at Mr. Garrison. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Whoa, hey, wait, wait, ahhh! Mr. Hat, save yourself! |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Kyle: | So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go? |
| Cartman: | Did you make love? |
| Stan: | I think so. |
| Cartman: | No way! |
| Stan: | Yup. |
| Kyle: | Down by the fire? |
| Stan: | Yup. |
| Kenny: | And did you stick it in where.... |
| Stan: | Did I what?!? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Good morning children. |
| Wendy: | Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you? |
| Ms. Ellen: | Sure, but can it wait til after class Wendy? |
| Wendy: | No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Oh, that's ok Wendy. |
| Wendy: | No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Well, I would love that Wendy. |
| Wendy: | And, mmm, I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong. |
| Wendy begins to break up. | |
| Wendy: | And I've learned from it. I just wish Stan, and Ms. Ellen would have all the happiness in the world. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan! |
| Cartman: | That's not what we just heard. |
| [Street in South Park] | |
| Screaming women continue to chase after Mr. Garrison. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, Mr. Hat, I hate this. I wish I'd never had a nose job. |
| The women round the corner after Mr. Garrison. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | Damn this beautiful face of mine, damn it to hell. We have to get the surgery again Mr. Hat. |
| Mr. Garrison slips into Tom's Rhinoplasty. | |
| Mr. Garrison: | I want to be the old me again. |
| Screaming women run by. | |
| [Ms. Ellen's Classroom] | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Ok children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting. |
| A group of Iraqi soldiers burst into the classroom. | |
| Hakim: | Down, down, everybody down! |
| Cartman: | What the hell! |
| All the kids dive under their desks. | |
| Hakim: | So, we meet again Ms. Ellen. |
| Principal Victoria: | And just what is going on here mister. |
| Hakim: | I am Hakim Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq. This woman is a traitor to our government. |
| Ms. Ellen: | It's a lie. |
| Hakim: | She has killed thousands, and will kill again I assure you. |
| Principal Victoria: | Ms. Ellen, is this true? |
| Ms. Ellen: | No! |
| Hakim: | We must take her back to Iraq immediately! |
| Wendy: | Oh, cool! |
| Ms. Ellen: | Principal Victoria, please. |
| Hakim: | Here is a black and white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader, her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh. |
| Principal Victoria: | Well Ms. Makarakesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away! |
| Hakim: | Nooooo! Get away from me! Ahhh!! |
| Ms. Ellen takes a scimitar from one of the soldiers. | |
| She swings it about. | |
| The scimitar flies from her hand straight towards Kenny. | |
| The scimitar skewers Kenny in the head, continueing on with Kenny into the back wall. | |
| Stan: | Oh my god, she killed Kenny. |
| Kyle: | You bastard. |
| The soldiers take Ms. Ellen away. | |
| Principal Victoria: | Noooo!!! |
| Wendy: | Wow, what incredible irony. |
| [South Park Elementary] | |
| Stan: | Wow, I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive. |
| Wendy: | Yeh, you just never know. |
| Stan: | Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff. |
| Wendy: | Happy Valentine's Day, Stan. |
| The two move to kiss. | |
| Stan pukes. | |
| Stan: | Sorry. |
| Wendy: | No, it's ok Stan, everything's going to be ok! |
| Kyle: | Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian? |
| Cartman: | Yeh dude, my mom says all I have to do is chow on this box. |
| [Commercial] | |
| [Iraqi Desert] | |
| Hakim: | For crimes against this country, you're hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun. |
| Ms. Ellen: | Uhh, this is all a mistake. This can't be happening! |
| Some soldiers throw Ms. Ellen into a rocket. | |
| Ms. Ellen: | Please!!! For the love of God!!! |
| Hakim: | Shut up!!! |
| The rocket is fired towards the sun. | |
| [Wendy's Backyard] | |
| Wendy and Bebe are kicking back, wearing shades. | |
| Mrs. Kimball: | Woohoo!! Great party Wendy. |
| Wendy: | Thanks Mrs. Kimball. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher. |
| Mrs. Kimball: | Anything for you, sugar-pie. |
| Wendy: | Oh, hi Kyle. |
| Kyle: | I've been thinking Wendy, this whole outcome is pretty strange. |
| Some suits walk up to Wendy. | |
| Wendy: | Uh huh, excuse me. |
| Wendy: | Kah farakh kah lakhenblakh. |
| Iraqi: | Kah farekh keh lakhenblakh. |
| Wendy: | Lassen blakh ehlakhi yayalakhenblakh. |
| Iraqi: | Kahleshi lah lakhenblakhersh. |
| Wendy: | Lakhenblakh. |
| Iraqi: | Ahh, lakheblakhelah. |
| Kyle: | How was it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraqi.... |
| Wendy: | Wait, wait, shh. It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing. |
| Wendy looks through the box and watches as the rocket hits the center of the sun. | |
| Wendy: | Bye-bye Ms. Ellen. |
| Kyle: | Wendy, you didn't? |
| Wendy: | I told her. |
| [Psycho music] | |
| Wendy: | Don't-fuck-with-Wendy-Testeburger. |
| [fin] |
| | |