Ok Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't... |
Stan notices pink scarf on Sparky |
| Stan: | Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!? |
| Stan tears scarf off of Sparky |
| Stan: | No pink bandanas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, |
| Stan opens crate. |
| Stan: | this is Fifi. |
| Kyle: | Oolala |
|
Fifi sniffs some |
| Sparky goes after Fifi |
| Cartman: | There he goes. |
| Stan: | Atta boy Spark, get her. |
| Sparky jumps on Fifi. |
| Stan: | Yes! |
| Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck. |
| Stan: | Ah crap! Now what do I do? |
| Kyle: | Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad. |
| Cartman: | No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France. |
| Kenny: | Mrmmph |
| Stan: | I know, Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil. |
| Kyle: | Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else. |
| Stan: | Like who? |
| |
| [Inside Stan's house] |
| Jesus and Pal's title screen is on TV |
| TV Announcer: | And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access. |
| Jesus: | Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions. |
| Jesus: | Hello caller, you're on the air. |
| [Beep] |
| Robert: | Yeh, is, is this Jesus? |
| Jesus: | Yes my son. |
| Robert: | This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife. |
| Jesus: | Of course Robert. How are things now? |
| Robert: | Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you. |
| Jesus: | Blessed art though Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. |
| [Beep] |
| Stan: | Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a homosexual. |
| Jesus: | My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see... |
| TV Announcer: | That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews. |
| Stan: | Damn it! |
| Kyle: | What'd he say? |
| Stan: | I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews. |
| Cartman: | Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass! |
| Stan: | Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares? |
| Kyle: | Come on dude, we have to get to practice. |
| Stan: | No, it's not ok! I don't want a gay dog! I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin! |
| |
| [Outside] |
| Sparky: | Arf. |
| Sparky dig's a hole under the fence. |
| Sparky runs away. |
| |
| [On the sideline at practice] |
| Chef: | Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. |
| Music Starts |
| Chef: | Gently...yet firmly. You gonna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeh, just like you're givin' sweet love to the football. Nnnaughty with the football. Mmmm. |
| Kyle: | Uh, Chef? |
| Chef: | Spank it, ever so gently. |
| Kyle: | Chef? |
| Chef: | Spank it. |
| Kyle: | Chef! |
| Chef: | Oh, uhhh, sorry children. Uhh, let's run some plays. |
| Pip: | Uh, Mr. Chef sir? |
| Chef: | No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you. |
| Pip: | Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without? |
| Chef: | That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it? |
| Pip: | No I, I guess not. |
| |
| [Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories] |
| Jimbo: | What we want to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime. |
| Carl: | What moment would that be? |
| Jimbo: | Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F. |
| Carl: | What high F? |
| Jimbo: | You know, [singing, badly] Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...Ahhhhh |
| Carl: | Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo. |
| Jimbo: | No, damnit! The Ahhhhh. |
| Carl: | Ahhhhhh. |
| Ned: | Ahhhhhh. |
| Jimbo: | Ahhhhhh. |
| Carl: | Ahhhhhh. |
| Jimbo: | Great, we... |
| Carl: | Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Ahhh. |
| Ned: | Doo-nn-doo-doo |
| Jimbo: | You got it... |
| Carl: | Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... |
| Ned: | ahh - dooo |
| Jimbo: | Ahhhhhh. |
| Carl: | Alright, yeh, ok... |
| |
| [On the sideline at practice] |
| Chef: | What's the matter Stan, you seem down. |
| Stan: | I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay. |
| Chef: | Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda. |
| Chef: | Say what?!? You of all people should be sympathetic. |
| Mr. Garrison: | What do you mean? |
| Chef: | Well, you're gay aren't you? |
| Mr. Garrison: | What?!? What the hell are you talking about?!? I am not gay. |
| Chef: | Well, you sure do act like it. |
| Mr. Garrison: | I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. |
| Chef looks puzzlingly, but wonderingly |
| |
| [On the field] |
| Kyle: | What's the matter dude? |
| Stan: | I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice. |
| Cartman: | Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. |
| Stan punches Cartman |
| Cartman: | Ow! |
| |
| [Snowy mountains] |
| Sparky is trekking throught the snow. |
| Sparky comes to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary |
| Big Gay Al: | Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al. |
| Sparky looks at him |
| Big Gay Al: | Have you been outcast? |
| Sparky pants an affirmative |
| Big Gay Al: | Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us? |
| Sparky pants an affirmative |
| Big Gay Al: | Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here. |
| |
| [Bus Stop] |
| Stan: | Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back. |
| Kyle: | Wow, it's been like two days. |
| Stan: | I think he might've run away. |
| Cartman: | Did you check the shopping m.... |
| Stan punches Cartman |
| Cartman: | Ow! |
| Kyle: | We'll help you look for him after the game Stan. |
| Stan: | I'm not playing. |
| Kyle: | You what!?! |
| Stan: | 'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog.
|
| |
| [Middlepark School] |
| Jimbo: | [Whisper]Come on Ned, and keep quiet. |
| Ned: | [Louder than Jimbo]Ok |
| |
| [In front of Middlepark's Mascot, Enrique] |
| Jimbo: | Hello there Enrique. |
| Ned: | What are we doing here? |
| Jimbo: | Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middlepark's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. |
| Jimbo puts bomb on Enrique's back |
| Jimbo: | And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in 'Loving You', Boom! |
| Enrique gets wide-eyed |
| Jimbo: | No more Middlepark players. |
| Ned: | Hahahahaha |
| Jimbo laughs |
| Jimbo: | God damn, I love football! |
| |
| [Stormy mountains] |
| Stan: | Sparky! Where are you?!? Where could he be? |
| |
| [South Park Elementary] |
| Middlepark players exit bus. |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| A lot of Cows! fanfare, even Ike is wearing a shirt and bouncing about. |
| Frank Hammond: | Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. |
| Frank Hammond: | Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up. |
| Chef: | Ohhh, come on Stan. |
| Pip: | Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stan doesn't show up, can I use his helmet? |
| Chef: | No Pip, I'm sorry! |
| |
| [Stormy mountains] |
| Stan: | Sparky! Sparky! |
| |
| [Cut to Commercial] |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| Referee: | Play ball. |
| Chef: | You're gonna have to quarterback Kyle. |
| Kyle: | But I never practiced quarterback. |
| Chef: | It's a little late for the bull crap now. |
| Frank: | Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslofski. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Hey, hey, where is little Stanley? |
| Mr. Hat: | Yeh, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback? |
| Jimbo: | Ned, look. They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached. |
| Ned: | Yeah. |
| |
| [Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] |
| Big Gay Al: | Hi little fella, how are you doing today? |
| Stan: | Fine, how are you? |
| Big Gay Al: | I'm super, thanks for asking. |
| Stan: | My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here. |
| Big Gay Al: | Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. |
| Stan goes into Big Gay Al's |
| Stan: | Do you have lots of gay dogs here? |
| Big Gay Al: | We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion. |
| Gay Lion: | Rooaar |
| Big Gay Al: | And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you! |
| Stan: | Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy. |
| Big Gay Al: | Of course they are silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance? |
| |
| [On the Dance Floor] |
| Cheesy disco like music plays |
| Vocalist: | [Singing]Oww, we can all be gay! |
| |
| [In the huddle] |
| Stan: | Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!? |
| Huddle: | Break! |
| [At the line of scrimmage] |
| Cowboy 1: | You guys are toast. |
| Cowboy 2: | Yeh, we're gonna pound your heads in. |
| Cartman: | We'll just see about that. |
| Kyle: | Set, set. |
| Cartman farts long and nasty |
| Kyle: | Damn it Cartman! |
| Kyle runs back from Cartman's gas |
| Chef: | What's the matter? |
| Kyle: | Cartman farted! |
| Cartman: | No I didn't. That was just my shoes. |
| Chef: | Come on Cows, we'll get a delay of game penalty. |
| Kyle: | No way dude! |
| Chef: | Hike the ball. |
| Kyle approaches Cartman with his shirt covering his nose. |
| Kyle: | Ah, dude, weak. |
| Cartman: | That's right, you get back there. |
| Kyle: | Hut. |
| Kyle takes the snap. |
| The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes. |
| Screaming as Kyle is mobbed by the Middle Park blitz. |
| Frank: | Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball...they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is seven-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter. |
| Jimbo: | Hell's bells. |
| Frank: | Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King. |
| Phil covers the mic. |
| Phil: | Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again. |
| Frank: | Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that. |
| Townsman 1: | We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry Jimbo. |
| Jimbo: | Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe. |
| |
| [Big Gay Al's dance floor] |
| Vocalist: | Funkay, funkay. |
| Stan is gettin' down with a monkey. |
| Stan sees Sparky |
| Stan: | Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'? |
| Sparky: | Ruff. |
| Stan: | I missed you old pal, you really had me scared. |
| Sparky: | Barr. |
| Stan: | Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game. |
| Sparky follows Stan |
| Stan: | We can work on making you not gay together. |
| Sparky stops |
| Stan: | Sparky? |
| Big Gay Al: | Young man, it appears you still don't understand. |
| Stan: | What don't I understand? |
| Big Gay Al: | Come this way, I have to show you something. |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| Frank: | With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0. |
| Kyle: | Hut, hut. |
| Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle |
| Cowboys blitz |
| Kyle flips ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. |
| Pip is dogpiled by what could be the entire Cowboys team |
| Frank: | Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant. |
| Phil: | Dude! Now that is not cool. |
| Frank: | Sorry, sorry. |
| |
| [Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] |
| Big Gay Al: | Ok Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride. |
| Stan looks at boat |
| Big Gay Al: | Step aboard Stanley. |
| Stan gets on board, with Sparky |
| Big Gay Al: | Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time. |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| Frank: | And the South Park Cows are set to receive... |
| Cowboys kick off |
| Frank: | There's the kick. |
| Kenny takes the kick. |
| Frank: | It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick |
| Kenny weaves through the special teams |
| Frank: | He's at the 50, the 40, the 30. |
| Cowboys: | Hold him, hold him! |
| Two Cowboys take hold of Kenny's arms |
| Cowboys: | Hold him, hold him! |
| Cowboy: | Yahhh! |
| A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms. |
| Frank: | The running back is down. I think he's... |
| Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse. |
| Frank: | Yes, he's been decaptitated. |
| Kyle: | Huh! Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards! |
| Phil: | That's gotta hurt Frank. |
| Frank: | Ouch-a-roo |
| Chef: | Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field. |
| Frank: | Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even going to beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot. |
| |
| [Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] |
| Big Gay Al: | You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. |
| A shot of Hitler, a priest and a suit beating up a gay guy. |
| Big Gay Al: | Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and republicans and nazis, oh my! |
| Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his revolver |
| Big Gay Al: | Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Ok, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. |
| Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World' |
| Small World Singers: | We're all gay, and it's ok, 'cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's ok, hey, to be gay! |
| Big Gay Al: | Sooo, what do you think Stan? |
| Stan: | This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand. |
| Big Gay Al: | Isn't this precious? |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| Frank: | And now, here to sing the touching song, 'Loving You' is the one and only, John Stamos' brother... |
| Jimbo: | Alright Richard! |
| Music Starts |
| Richard: | [Singing] Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful - doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--Ahhhh |
| Music Stops |
| Richard: | Ahhhh |
| Jimbo: | What the hell?!? |
| Richard: | Ahhhh |
| Jimbo: | He didn't sing the high F. |
| Richard continues to Ahhhh, badly |
| Mr. Garrison: | Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this |
| Jimbo: | Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked. |
| Richard: | Lalalala |
| Mr. Garrison: | It's obvious where all the talent in that family went! |
| |
| [Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] |
| Stan: | Thanks for everything Big Gay Al! |
| Sparky: | Ruff! |
| Big Gay Al: | No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches? |
| Stan: | No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy! |
| Stan and Sparky start to walk off |
| Big Gay Al: | Oh Stan? |
| Stan and Sparky stop |
| Big Gay Al: | When you get back to town, tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately. |
| Stan: | I will Big Gay Al, I will. |
| Stan and Sparky start to walk off |
| Big Gay Al: | Ooh, my carrot cake! |
| |
| [South Park Football Field] |
| Kyle: | Hike! |
| Sounds of football war, as the Cowboys continue to tear apart the cows |
| Frank: | And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children since... |
| Mr. Garrison: | I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo. |
| Townsman 1: | Yeh, we all put our life savings in this game |
| Townsman 2: | You're a dead man Jimbo |
| An assortment of food products are thrown at Jimbo. |
| Frank: | Well, this should just about wrap it up for.... |
| Stan and Sparky come on to the field. |
| Frank: | Wait a minute, what's this? |
| Crowd: | Yeah!!! |
| Frank: | It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback! |
| Chef: | Where the hell have you been Stan?!? |
| Stan: | I've been getting my best friend back. |
| Chef: | Just get in there boy! |
| Jimbo: | Give 'em hell Stanley! |
| Stan gets in at quarterback |
| Jimbo: | Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus? |
| Jesus: | Leave me alone. |
| Stan: | Hike |
| Frank: | Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass. |
| Kyle: | Hey Stan, I'm open, I think. |
| Stan: | Ehh. |
| Frank: | And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid. |
| Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail. |
| Frank: | Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938! |
| Phil: | Dude! |
| Random screaming sounds as the Cowboys fail to keep Kyle from scoring. |
| Frank: | Touchdown! |
| Jimbo: | Yeh! |
| Mr. Garrison: | Wooo! |
| Frank: | The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! |
| Jimbo: | Yeh! Woohoo! |
| Stan gets on stage by scoreboard |
| Townsman: | Speech! |
| Frank: | Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory? |
| Stan: | It's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys. |
| Crowd: | Yeah, alright! |
| Stan: | And maybe we can beat 'em even more next year! |
| Crowd: | Woooo |
| Stan: | And it's ok to be gay! |
| [Silence] |
| Jimbo: | What?!? |
| Stan: | Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing. |
| Mr. Garrison: | What the hell is he talking about?!? |
| Frank: | Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time? |
| Stan: | I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety |
| Crowd looks at Stan in disbelief |
| Stan: | It's true, I'll show you. |
| [Where Big Gay Al's is supposed to be, on the mountain] |
| Stan: | But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club. |
| Cartman: | Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man. |
| Townswoman: | Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago. |
| Townsperson 1: | Sidney! |
| Townsperson 2: | Whinny! |
| Townsperson 3: | Carlos! |
| Stan sees Big Gay Al |
| Big Gay Al: | I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here. |
| Stan: | Oh, there you are dude. How's it going? |
| Big Gay Al: | I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done. |
| Big Gay Al climbs into his suitcase |
| Big Gay Al: | Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you. |
| Stan: | Wow! |
| Big Gay Al's suitcase flys off |
| Richard: | You guys, you guys! I can do it. |
| Mr. Garrison: | Do what? |
| Richard: | Loving you is easy cause your beautiful, doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo |
| Jimbo: | No! |
| Richard: | Ahhh |
| Enrique: | Mroo |
| Bomb: | Boom! |
| |
| [fin] |
